I have a lot of thoughts…but lately, not too many that I want to share publicly.
I’ve fallen out of writing, and I’m going to try to use the month of November to get back into it. Not NaNoWriMo, which would be like doing a marathon with no training after not running for years, but trying to write something every day or most days. We’ll see how it goes. I hope I’ll get back into blogging more regularly.
I am having a hard time right now thinking of anything to write about.
To blog about, first of all. I think about things in my life I can blog about and then remember that I already have. I could blog about my trip to New York over Memorial Day weekend and how I saw Come From Away, Waitress, and Anastasia, plus ate some great food, but would that post really be much different from this post, or this one, or this one? I guess I can always do my Song of the Moment and Playlist of the Moment posts and pick up I Read Books again. I suppose there will always be movies and TV shows to write about. I could keep doing the Links of the Week, and I’m sure at some point I will, but those will inevitably include current events, which are just depressing me right now.
I’m having a hard time thinking of anything to write about outside of this blog. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I became a writer who doesn’t write. I’ve lost confidence in the ideas I have, lost faith in the idea that I could ever really write something that other people would enjoy.
I am having a hard time making myself do the things I know I should do: write, cook, exercise, go to bed early, socialize. I am having a hard time accomplishing any of the goals I’ve set for myself. I am having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, or at happy couples I see in public. I am having a hard time being happy for anyone who finds love or has a baby. I am having a hard time taming the negative thoughts raging inside me.
For a trip down memory lane, here’s my very first blog post on what was then called Struggling Single Twenty-Something. I’m sure it will surprise none of you to know that I kicked off the blog with a Les Mis reference.
I’d just graduated college then and was living with Christina about five hundred feet off-campus from BC. I changed the name of the blog when “twenty-something” was no longer relevant. Whether I’m still “struggling” is up for debate, but I am sad that ten years later, I’m no closer to relieving myself of the “single” status.
Most of what I wrote in that first post is still accurate, minus the publishing job. It took me longer than it should have to realize that I should be doing something else, and I just celebrated one year in my higher ed job.
It kind of makes me wonder how much I’ve really changed in ten years. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like very much, and like I should have changed more.
Blogging has certainly changed. For one thing, very few people are still doing it. I’ve written about it before here and here, so I won’t repeat myself, but one thing I thought of recently: when was the last time you heard someone mention the blogosphere? It used to be a term people used freely, but those days seem sadly past.
And I need to follow my own advice, because while I’m still posting something at least once a month, as I have from the beginning, I definitely don’t post as often. I do love blogging, but motivation is hard when so few other people are doing it.
I’ve stuck it out with this blog for ten years. And maybe it will change forms, maybe I’ll change in ways I can’t forsee right now, but I hope I’ll keep it going for a long, long time. (And yes, I have a draft of the Zimbabwe post- going up soon!)
A lot’s been happening with me recently, and I thought I’d take a minute to recount it here.
If I’m being honest, I have to admit that lately I’ve felt really, really lonely. It seems like it’s been weeks since I had a real, honest conversation with someone.
So for now, I’ll write about some of the good things that have been happening.
First, I bought a car!
Even though I’m thirty, this is actually the first car I’ve ever owned. I had a car as a teenager, but it was only “mine” for a year, since it became my sister’s after I went to college. I also don’t really enjoy driving and don’t need to drive to get to most places I need to go. But sometimes I do need to get out of the city and I was sick of depending on other people for rides. So now I have this car! I mostly just drive to chorus every week and I drove to Marblehead a few weeks ago to meet my cousin’s cute new baby. But it’s nice having the option to drive places if I have to.
Second, I finished my fourth half-marathon!
Even writing that is weird. How did I become the kind of person who does four half-marathons? I still do not think of myself as a runner. I’m not an athlete and I’m actually kind of lazy about exercise most of the time. And yet…I just did this fourth half-marathon (the Bay State Half Marathon in Lowell) and got a really good time for me. This is a really flat course (there’s a marathon at the same time, and since it’s so flat, people use it to qualify for Boston- even their advertisements say so) and the weather was perfect and autumn-y, so that’s part of where the good time came from. But I also just feel faster, and while it might be awhile before I do another half, I kind of want to try again and maybe break two hours. It feels possible!
Third, I’ve had a couple of fun experiences at book signings lately. The first one was with none other than Neil Patrick Harris! He was doing a signing of his new memoir at Brookline Booksmith, so I got a ticket. None of my friends ended up going, but I made friends with the people around me in line. (Although two of them, who actually ended up being pretty cool once I talked to them, started off their time in line having this really graphic conversation about how someone they knew had an infection and I was dying to say, “Guys, I JUST ATE.”) They were hurrying everyone through the HUGE line as quickly as they could, so there wasn’t time to take a picture with him, but my new line-friends and I took each other’s pictures and sent them to each other.
I had all these things I was going to say to NPH, like, “Congratulations on the Oscars! Are you going for a hosting EGOT?” (They’d just announced the day before that he was going to be the Oscar host.) Or, “Will you sing ‘The Confrontation’ with me?” But they all flew out of my head and I just ended up saying something like, “Thank you for being here!” and that I liked what I’d read of the book while standing in line. So I don’t think I left much of an impression on NPH, but I’m glad I went.
The other book signing experience was last weekend at the Boston Book Festival. You remember my post about the book series I loved as a kid? Well, I was really excited when I learned that Ann M. Martin, the creator of The Baby-Sitters Club, would be there. So of course I went to her panel and got her autograph and a picture with her afterwards! Ten-year-old Katie is so jealous of thirty-year-old Katie. (I met some cool people in that line, too. Lots of interesting people to meet at book signings.)
I always try to do NaNoWriMo and never succeed. I do have a new idea this year, though, so we’ll see how I do. Some writing completed is always better than nothing, after all. You can friend me there if you want—purebrightfire is my name there.
This is going to be a little more involved than your average Playlist of the Moment post, so bear with me here.
I mentioned in the previous post that I’d be guest-posting a recap of The O.C. on Snark Squad. Voila. Writing it was a lot of fun, and both that and just reading Snark Squad’s O.C. posts in general made a bit nostalgic, so I’ve been re-watching some episodes of the show that I have on DVD.
I was first introduced to the show my senior year of college by my roommate Steph. That was Season 3, and I caught up with the previous seasons with Steph’s DVDs and bonded with my roommates over the show.
If you’ve never seen it, here’s the Reader’s Digest version: teenager Ryan Atwood, from Chino, California, gets arrested after he and his brother steal a car. Shortly thereafter, Ryan’s mother abandons him, so he calls his public defender, Sandy Cohen. Sandy lives in Orange County with his son Seth, who’s Ryan’s age, and his wife Kirsten, a rich real estate developer whose father owns most of the O.C. By the end of the third episode, the Cohens have become Ryan’s legal guardians. Over four seasons, we see all kinds of soap opera drama unfolding, particularly with Ryan and Seth’s love lives (Ryan has a tumultuous relationship with their drama queen next-door neighbor, Marissa, while Seth’s long-term crush on Marissa’s best friend Summer eventually turns into something real), but it’s also about family. It’s one of the only teen shows where the parents are not only a huge part of the show but also really good parents. You don’t have to be a poor kid from Chino with a neglectful, drunk mother to want Sandy and Kirsten Cohen to adopt you- and although I think the network intended it to be more of a Dawson’s Creek-esque teen relationship drama, the most interesting part of the show for me was always Ryan’s relationship with the Cohens. The moments that moved me the most and that were the most memorable for me were always about the love between this tough, fish-out-of-water kid and his adoptive family. This article explains everything really well.
The O.C. is kind of the perfect show for a site like Snark Squad or the late, sometimes great Television Without Pity because there is plenty to snark on (the episode I just recapped had a character faking a miscarriage and another character having a ridiculous screaming meltdown) BUT it’s also genuinely enjoyable most of the time. I feel like most statements you could make about The O.C. have a BUT in the middle of them. It’s a teenage drama BUT it’s also about the parents and the rest of the family. It’s a trashy nighttime soap BUT it also has a lot of moments that are truly moving. It’s kind of like Dawson’s Creek BUT the characters are a zillion times more likeable- a lot of characters on The O.C. start off as villains and gradually become more three-dimensional.
During the first year I blogged, The O.C. was in its final season, and although ratings had dropped, the show was having a series of fantastic episodes. You might recall theseposts, where I tried to convince people to watch it so it wouldn’t get canceled. I was unsuccessful, unfortunately, but falling headlong into an obsession with a show was exactly what I needed during that crazy first year out of college. (I was living with Christiana Krump at the time, and I’m pretty sure at some point she threatened to fake-divorce me from our fake marriage over The O.C.)
Anyway! Another great thing about The O.C. was its music. It introduced me to a lot of awesome songs that to this day are among my most-played. So here’s my playlist with some of my favorite songs that have been played on the show. Some highlights:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjHvJE1XU7E
Alexi Murdoch, “Orange Sky.” I can’t remember if I knew this song before I heard it on the show or not, but either way, I adore it. It’s so soothing I swear it lowers my blood pressure. “In your love, my salvation lies in your love.”
Patrick Park, “Something Pretty.” Aptly titled. “And I’ve known ugliness, now show me something pretty.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBlAdApfK9U
Placebo, “Running Up That Hill.” This show also had a lot of great covers- in fact, one of their six soundtrack albums is nothing but covers. This one, of a Kate Bush song, I like just as much, if not more than, the original.
Here’s the playlist. It’s not comprehensive, but it is a bunch of songs I like that were on the show. Welcome to my O.C. Playlist, bitch!
I have now been blogging for almost eight years. And I have to say, I’m quite proud of myself for continuing to blog regularly. I decided early on that I’d post at least once a month, and for eight years I’ve stuck to that—and I almost always blog more than once a month.
I read a ton of blogs, so many that I can’t use The Old Reader without paying for it. And within the last year, I’ve noticed a lot of the bloggers I read have either stopped blogging, taken long hiatuses and then come back, or contemplated quitting blogging. There was this article at the end of last year (Lorraine alerted me to it) that declared the blog dead. I certainly hope that’s not true—for someone who reads as many blogs as I do, that would be a tragedy.
I, for one, have absolutely no intention of quitting blogging. I love blogging. My blog may change forms over the years (in fact, changes are soon coming to this blog, the least of which is its name—I turn thirty in nine days, so “Struggling Single Twenty-Something” is obviously a name that can’t last forever), but I hope I will never stop updating it.
But with so many blogs slowing down or stopping, it does beg the question of why. People stop blogging for all kinds of reasons—they’re too busy, they’ve run out of things to say, they’re not getting the audience they want, they’d rather just use Twitter or Tumblr (ugh), they just aren’t feeling it anymore.
That’s why they stop—but why blog, or why continue to blog? I’ve heard all kinds of reasons for that, too. Some people blog to document their lives, either for themselves or for people who know them. Or because they’re writing a book and want to build an online audience first. Or because they want to promote their business. Or because they have some kind of expertise that could help other people. Or because they want to start a conversation on some kind of topic of interest to them.
I thought recently about why I blog, and the answer I came up with is actually very simple.
I blog because I love to write.
Do I want people to read what I write? Well, obviously. If I didn’t, I’d be writing all of this stuff in a private journal instead. And I have really enjoyed getting to know other bloggers through 20sb and Boston Blogger meetups. But even if I’m just shouting into a void, even if no one ever reads this, even if I’m the last blog left on the Internet…well, I’m still writing. And I really enjoy writing. Having an audience is nice, but in truth, it’s just…the candy on top of the frosting on the cake. (I didn’t want to say “the frosting on the cake” because that’s one misguided metaphor—the frosting, in in my opinion, is the main reason to eat the cake.)
So I’ll keep blogging. “Struggling Single Twenty-Something” will become something new within the next week, but as long as I love to write, which I’ve loved all my life, I will also love blogging.
I mentioned this back in this post, but last year, I had a short story accepted by The Sierra Nevada Review, a literary magazine out of Sierra Nevada College.
The day before Easter, my contributor’s copies came in the mail!
It’s a pretty short story—about 1100 words and only three pages. It’s called “Things You Don’t Know I Know About You.” In the story, the narrator, a nameless cubicle dweller, tells of everything she’s learned about her coworkers by Googling them. This is something that, I admit, I do all the time—with coworkers, dates, random people from the past, and sometimes my friends and family, just to see what I find. My friends think I’m weird for Googling people before dates—I think they’re weird for not doing it. (Of course, then on the date I have to act like I don’t know things like where the guy went to college or where he works.) But I’ve found out some interesting things by Googling people from the past I think of randomly—like, there was this obnoxious hipster guy I worked with at an internship in college, and I found out through Google that he wrote a fairly popular young adult book.
It’s not online, but you can buy a copy here or just ask me if you want to read it.
I’m happy about it—I feel like it’s rare that there’s something in my life I can be legitimately proud of. Even when I accomplish something professionally, like making my sales goal last year, it’s hard to take much pride in it because of extenuating circumstances—like, I think making that goal was due to luck more than anything else. But I can’t think of any reason The Sierra Nevada Review decided to publish this other than that they liked the story—and according to Duotrope, a site that gives information on different literary magazines, it has a pretty low acceptance rate, although I’m not sure how accurate the rate they give is.
But still, I hope this isn’t the last thing I ever publish. This is actually part of a group of linked short stories I want to have published as a book eventually, with some of them published in magazines first. I’m trying to get more stories published now.
Here’s hoping that someday I’ll have more publications to blog about.
I was looking at this post I wrote a year ago today. And then I looked at this one from a few months later.
It feels awesome to want to do something and then actually do it.
I need to remember that in other aspects of my life. Right now I’m working on a collection of linked short stories and trying to get some other stories published- after I had that one accepted last year to The Sierra Nevada Review (it will come out in May), I don’t want that to be my only success.
It’s St. Patrick’s Day again, and the luck of the Irish to you, but getting stuff done has nothing to do with luck. Or even with skill. There’s not much I’m sure of, but I do know that I’m capable of and good at working hard. So I’m going to remember this feeling: how awesome it is to realize you did something you really, really wanted to do.
It’s been a bit since my last post, and I’ll write about something more interesting pretty soon. Sometimes it’s hard to find things to write about when life is good. Which it is right now, I’m happy to report. Not because of one huge reason (I’m still single, sadly), but lots of things are going right lately. And it can be obnoxious to talk about how great your life is (see this article!), but on a blog about my life, I do want to share what’s going on with me.
So here are some reasons I’ve been happy lately:
-One of my goals for the year was to write more fiction, and I have. A long time ago, I used to try submitting short stories to magazines, but after awhile I just…stopped. Until this year, when I started submitting a couple of stories around. Recently, I found out that one of them was accepted! My short story “Things You Don’t Know I Know about You” is forthcoming in The Sierra Nevada Review, and it will be out in May. Yea!
-I made my sales goal at work, which means I’m getting a bonus in a couple of months.
-I completed a 10K yesterday and got a good time for me! I finished in 53:29, which is a 8:37 pace, faster than I usually run.
-I’ve been better lately about exercising and not eating crap.
-My roommate and I got a better Internet connection. I then joined Netflix, and then I bought a Roku. The Roku has massively improved my life. I’m now catching up with TV shows I should have been watching. Parks and Recreation is now one of my new favorites—I’ll do a post in the near future about everything I’ve been catching up with. Breaking Bad is probably next.
-But I’m not starting Breaking Bad until baseball is over because RED SOX IN THE ALCS WOO!
-It’s fall and the weather is lovely and I recently went apple picking because YEA NEW ENGLAND.
-I’ve picked up a little side project editing college essays for high school kids, and I’m enjoying it.
-The Boston Book Festival is coming up this weekend- I’ve meant to go every other year, but have always been busy. This is the first year I’m making it.
-BC’s football team still isn’t great, but they’re at least better than they were last year.
-I saw a great play called The Power of Duff last weekend. After I see a good play, it makes me want to see [Allie Brosh] ALL the theater! [/Allie Brosh] So maybe there’s more theater for me in the near future.
-Speaking of Allie Brosh, her book is coming out at the end of the month!
If you like to write and live in the Boston area, you must check out Grub Street. (After reading the title, you probably thought I’d be a little more subtle than that, right?) But one of the cardinal rules of writing is “Show, don’t tell.” Therefore, I will show you why you should check out Grub Street.
Grub Street offers many writing classes as well as weekend workshops and one-night seminars, all taught by experienced, successful writers. My thesis in college was a young adult novel and the novel I’m working on now is women’s fiction, so accordingly, the two seminars I’ve been to were on young adult lit and on chick lit (which, as I learned in the class, is now called “commercial women’s fiction”). At the chick lit one, I learned a lot about the current state of women’s fiction and got a pretty enthusiastic response when I described the premise of the novel I’m working on. At the young adult one, I got a lot of great advice from Emily Franklin, including her suggestion to become a reviewer for Teens Read Too. She also later helped me with my query letter.
But I think the easiest way to convince you to check out Grub Street is to describe the day I had last Sunday.
When I heard that Grub Street was offering an event called Muse and the Marketplace, I signed up right away. I’d have the chance to meet with an agent; attend several writing seminars with professional writers, editors, and agents; and go to a lunch with a keynote speech by one of my favorite writers in the world, Jonathan Franzen.
Muse and the Marketplace was last Sunday, and it was everything I could have hoped for. First, I met with an agent about the novel I wrote for my senior thesis. She’d read the first twenty pages, and although she expressed some concerns about it (which I agreed with), she wanted to read more, so I’ve sent her more. Fingers crossed!
Then it was time for the workshops. The first one was on children’s and young adult literature, and it was taught by…Lois Lowry. As in The Giver, Number the Stars, the Anastasia Krupnik books, etc. As in one of the greatest children’s authors of all time. It was great and she had a lot of interesting things to say, but my mind was going, “LOIS LOWRY! Ooh, that was a really good point she just made…LOIS LOWRY!…Yeah, that makes sense about children’s literature…LOIS LOWRY!…Ooh, I like that book she’s reading from…LOIS LOWRY!”
One thing she did mention was that they’re making The Giver into a movie. I’m not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I think it would be really cool visually, with the black-and-white becoming color and all. On the other hand, though, The Giver was an amazing, very original book that’s possibly one of the most intelligent novels ever written for children, and I kind of think it might get lost in translation to the big screen. It would have to star unknown actors, too, I think.
Anyway, my next workshop was fun. It was called “Agent Idol.” The idea is, you submit the first page of something you’ve written (I submitted the novel I’m working on right now), and a woman reads it aloud to a panel of three agents, who raise their hand at the point where they’d stop reading. Once two of them raise their hands, they stop and explain what they liked and didn’t like about the piece.
They were pretty brutal with some of them, sometimes only reading a sentence. There was also one that they absolutely loved and couldn’t find anything wrong with. They were actually more positive about mine than they were about a lot of others. One agent didn’t raise her hand at all and said, “What is wrong with you people?” when the other two agents did. One said the subject matter just wasn’t her thing—fair enough. The third one thought there was a little too much description too early and had some questions about the content (both of which were actually addressed in the next paragraph), but she said that out of the ones she’d heard thus far (mine was read somewhere in the middle, before they heard the one they really loved), it was the one she would have read the most of. It was kind of a wake-up call to know exactly how quickly agents stop reading a manuscript, but I ended up coming out of it feeling encouraged.
Then was the keynote lunch with Jonathan Franzen. The lunch itself was kind of cool—I sat down next to some people and talked to them about their experiences with agents and workshops that day. But then it was time for Jonathan Franzen. He looks exactly like his picture on the book jacket. For his speech, he mainly read part of his essay “The Foreign Language,” from his book The Discomfort Zone and added some remarks at the end. Then he took questions, and I was kind of surprised by the way he answered them. He seemed to have a good sense of humor, but he also seemed a little uncomfortable, and almost…shy. That definitely wasn’t what I expected.
I should say a word about him. I’ve read three out of his five books (and I’m reading a fourth right now). I enjoyed Strong Motion. When I read The Discomfort Zone, a book of essays which my coworker Nate recently lent me, I was struck by his ability to find meaning in commonplace situations. And The Corrections is one of my favorite books of all time. It’s amazing—I’ve read it several times since February 2002, and every time, I pick up something I didn’t notice before. The characters are so real, and you sympathize with them even if you don’t really like them. It’s funny in some places but heartbreakingly sad in others. And most importantly, like all my favorite books, it touches on truths that I’ve felt but could never articulate. I didn’t pick up on this quote the first time I read it, but on a subsequent reading, it jumped out at me:
“And when the event, the big change in your life, is simply an insight—isn’t that a strange thing? That absolutely nothing changes except that you see things differently and you’re less fearful and less anxious and generally stronger as a result: isn’t it amazing that a completely invisible thing in your head can feel realer than anything you’ve experienced before? You see things more clearly and you know that you’re seeing them more clearly. And it comes to you that this is what it means to love life, this is all anybody who talks seriously about God is ever talking about. Moments like this.”
I’ve never found a better way of expressing that thought, and it can apply to so many things. But my admiration of his writing has always been tempered with my disdain for his snobbery. I think he came off as a jackass in the whole Oprah incident, and while I see his point, you’d think he’d be happy about his book being exposed to a wider audience rather than being disappointed that the mainstream had tainted it. So my greatest wish, as a writer, is to have a tenth of Jonathan Franzen’s talent with none of the snobbery.
After the speech, I took my old, beat-up first edition copy of The Corrections and went to get his autograph. I got up there and realized that I had absolutely nothing interesting to say to him. I ended up stammering something like, “Um…I really liked this book!”
So. After lunch I had my third workshop, “Agents on the Hot Seat,” where you could ask a panel of agents anything. I asked how important it was to have published short stories before selling a novel. Surprisingly, they said not very, just like the agent I met with in the morning did. Every successful query letter I’ve ever read lists numerous literary magazines, and while I’ve written some short stories I’d like to get published, I don’t know if I have the patience for it when most literary magazines have less than a 1% acceptance rate. So that was good to know.
And the last workshop I went to, in the “Hour of Power” where you could pick between four options, was “Moms Who Write.” I’m obviously not a mom, but someday I might be, and I can always use time management tips. Interestingly, a lot of other people in that seminar weren’t moms, either.
So, getting to my point—I got all that in one day. For a fraction of what an MFA would cost. From Grub Street.
Therefore, if you are in the Boston area and you write, you must check them out.