I got my first vaccine. Second one coming next month.
By the end of May I’ll be fully vaccinated.
Bring on the Roaring Twenties.
The End Is In Sight
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Tag Archives: me me me
March Has Outdone Itself with Awfulness
I’m not sure if anyone’s still reading this blog. I don’t really promote it anywhere anymore. With what is currently going on in the world, I’m not sure I can really offer anything valuable or interesting for anyone else. My perspective isn’t really unique. But we’re in the middle of a scary, stressful, historic time. I’ve said that I think one day, historians will read our group texts and social media posts as artifacts. Whether or not that’s true, I want to write about what’s going on for myself.
I’ve been social distancing for over two weeks now. I live alone, so I have not touched another person or had a face-to-face conversation with anyone other than cashiers and delivery people at all during that time. But I really can’t complain- I am healthy, my family and friends are healthy, and I’m not in a high-risk group. I’m working from home and have been repeatedly assured that my job is safe.
March has always been my least favorite month. It’s long. There are no days off, or major holidays. We turn the clocks ahead an hour and it feels like winter should be over, but it never is. But March this year has absolutely outdone itself. The month began with Super Tuesday, and a couple of days later, I grieved for Elizabeth Warren’s presidential campaign. And then came COVID-19, and the mass of tragedies, big and small, that came along with it.
I’ll write more. I want to write about what it’s been like to go through this day by day. For now, I’ll just end with…eff you, March.
Another Year Without Love
I miss when my default state of mind was hopefulness, and happiness.
I don’t think most people realize how sad I am the majority of the time.
There is never a moment of my day where the emptiness of my life and the possibility of a future where I never find love or fulfillment are not on my mind.
Sometimes I think lasting romantic love is only for people who are mundane and uncomplicated. That people like me, with strong negative emotions and a tendency to overthink, aren’t worthy of it.
Another year, another decade, are upon us. As much as I’d love to feel hopeful about it, I’m not sure I can.
Everything
I am so, so sick of the news always being bad.
I hate wondering what each day will bring: mass shooting? Hate crime? New Trumpian atrocity? Sexual predator being put in a position of power?
It feels, so much, like evil is winning. Even inside myself.
I feel hatred every single day.
I don’t often feel love.
I actually took an VIA Assessment on Character at work over the summer to see what my strengths were and, I kid you not, I scored lowest on “Love.”
I have always leaned on the optimistic side, but lately, I feel my hope about EVERYTHING slipping away. About the world, and about my own future.
So what’s good? Well, the Red Sox won the World Series. That’s pretty awesome. Unless you live in Delaware. (WTF, Delaware?)
In Defense of Being a Tourist
On OKCupid, you can answer as many or as few questions as you want, and those questions help determine your “match percentage” with other people on the site. Recently, I’ve noticed that there’s one question that just about every guy answers differently from me. The question is “If you were visiting a new city, where would you be most excited to go?” and the choices are
- Tourist attractions or entertainment venues
- Historically or culturally important places
- Places popular with the locals
- Home
Most guys choose the second or third option. But while I’d be excited for both of those things, too, I chose the first option as my answer. It’s an answer that most guys seem to disdain. Last summer, I was seeing a guy who said he didn’t really like to travel, but when he did, he wasn’t interested in sightseeing, only in “how people live.”
And honestly? I don’t really share that interest. If the locals want to recommend a favorite restaurant or bar or other off-the-beaten-path spot, great! Most cities have some kind of hidden gem. But that’s not what I’d be most excited to see.
Think about what you’d tell people to visit in your own city. I have. And while I include my favorite bars and restaurants that out-of-towners probably wouldn’t know about, I also include Boston’s touristy spots. I think locals tend to take the reasons people visit their cities for granted. Like, I love Legal Harborside, but it’s not something you should come to Boston for.
Two weeks ago, Erin, Jackie and i went to Seattle for five days. I’d never been there before, and Erin had never even been to the West Coast. While I was happy to get recommendations on places to go from people who’ve lived there like Christina and people at the restaurants we went to, and we did go to some of those places, I’m really happy that we also did things like the Space Needle, the Chihuly Museum, and the Great Wheel.
As for things people take for granted about your own city, when you live on the other coast, it can be fun just to see and touch an ocean that isn’t the one you’ve grown up with.
Tourist is not a dirty word. Don’t be afraid to be a tourist.
Empty
I am not happy.
I just turned thirty-four, and I have nothing. No significant other, no kids, no house. No career that I’m passionate about. Friends who are great, for now, but who are all eventually going to get married and have kids and have their own lives.
Everything feels temporary. But I crave permanence- the permanence of love that lasts forever. The bond with your own children that can never be destroyed. A house that I can live in forever, that I can raise a family in, that I can grow old in.
My life is empty.
And the worst part is that I’m constantly reminded of the fullness of other people’s lives. I don’t just mean through social media, either. Just normal conversation revolves around the things I don’t have. People talk about their kids, their spouses, their houses. I had a moment at a work outing once when I realized that out of a group of eleven, I was the only one who was completely single.
And yes, I know that having a happy marriage, kids, and a house doesn’t make life perfect. But it does make it a whole lot better. And I can’t stand it when people complain about these things. Your husband won’t clean something you told him to? YOU HAVE A HUSBAND! Your kids won’t sleep through the night? YOU HAVE KIDS! Your house needs repairs? YOU HAVE A HOUSE! I have none of those things, and I don’t think people who have them realize how badly I want their problems.
I mean, my God, I don’t even have a pet, and I can’t have one in my current building. When I come home, I’m completely alone. And it might stay that way forever.
I’m running out of time. I’m turning thirty-four. The older I get, the harder it will be to have kids. The harder it will get to find someone unless I majorly settle. And the kind of guy who’d actually want to be in a relationship with me would probably be the kind of guy I’d be settling for.
Because what the hell do I have to offer? Physically, I keep gaining weight. I’ve always had something that kept me from being attractive- first my teeth, then my acne, and now my weight. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I try to avoid having my picture taken. Seeing pictures of myself can make me break down in tears.
I’ve lost all my motivation to write. I used to love it and now I just…can’t do it. I’ve lost motivation to exercise and eat healthy, too, which just makes me fatter.
I’m selfish and depressed and jealous and constantly angry. And someone like that does not deserve love. I cannot imagine why anyone would ever love me.
I try to give myself things to look forward to- vacations, theater, etc. But it will only last for so long, and it can’t make up for the deeper longings of my heart.
I want to see couples when I’m out in public and not have to look away because of the pain it causes me.
I want someone to hug me when I get home.
I want to automatically have someone to accompany me to the things I want to do, or at least someone to ask.
I want someone I can bounce my thought off of when I get home.
I want to hear “I love you” from someone who’s not related to me.
I want to feel what it’s like to really love someone.
I want to be NECESSARY in someone’s life.
I want to have someone to cuddle with when I’m cold.
I want to have a plus one to weddings.
I want to be pregnant, to give birth, to breastfeed.
I want to hold a baby in my arms and never want to let her go.
I want to take endless pictures of my kids and annoy people by constantly talking about the cute things they do.
I want to go crazy because of all the driving to soccer practice, etc. I have to do.
I want to walk out into my backyard and look at my house, and my street, and my family, and think, This is mine.
And I can’t bear the thought of losing the hope of ever having these things.
Gratitude
A few random things I’m grateful for:
-My job. It’s not perfect, but what job is? And I have a fantastic boss and coworkers.
-Being free of any chronic medical conditions or injuries
-Not being an addict. I feel like I’ve read a lot of addiction stories lately and I’m glad that it’s not something that’s ever been a problem in my own life.
-My chorus, which is doing some fun songs this season
-My new haircut.
2017
A lot happened in the world this year. But I honestly can’t think of one interesting thing that happened to me.
No moves. No job changes. Aside from a couple of short trips to New York, no vacations.
No boyfriends- although there was one guy I dated for about a month over the summer, a guy who actually got my hopes up. My last date with him was shortly before my birthday, and the next day, my family was coming over for my birthday. I was hoping we’d end up having the DTR talk and I’d get to tell my family about him. Instead, we ended up realizing that we weren’t long-term compatible and breaking things off.
My rent increased. So did my weight. So did my antidepressant dosage.
I spent a lot of time crying. Dragging myself out of bed every day grew harder. I had a hard time motivating myself to exercise or cook or do anything besides go home and collapse on the couch.
The election of Donald Trump left me overwhelmed with hatred. Sometimes I fight with people over it, and I’m constantly, and sincerely, wishing harm on others. I feel like I love less than I used to. Like it’s harder for me to find any beauty in the world.
I’m sick of constantly feeling sad, angry, hopeless. I want to believe that a better future lies ahead. I want to make myself into a person who can love, and who deserves love.
When I said that to my friends tonight, they told me not to let go of what’s good about me.
I said, truthfully, “I don’t know what’s good about me.” So they told me what they thought.
I have no idea why, despite everything, I still have such great friends. But I’m so glad that I do.
Here’s to a better 2018, and a better me.
Musing
There are times when it helps to write out all my feelings and try to identify some kind of deeper truth about where I am at the moment.
There are also time where it’s better for me to just go on with life and try not to ruminate too much, try to focus on doing things I like and that calm me and put my feelings on the back burner.
It’s kind of like something at really struck me in this video of Nicole Cliffe, a writer I love and co-founder of the late, great Toast, talking about her conversion to Christianity. From about 4:30-6:15, she talks a little bit about the differences between Catholics and Protestants, and how admitting to spiritual doubt is a big deal that requires an intervention if you’re Protestant, whereas Catholics just keep going to Mass and going through their rituals and trusting that their faith will ebb and flow throughout their lives.
Did It Have To Be Jesus? ~ Nicole Cliffe from Mockingbird on Vimeo.
I keep changing my mind about which time of my life I’m currently in when it comes to dealing with my emotions- a Protestant or a Catholic time.
These Days
I have a lot of thoughts…but lately, not too many that I want to share publicly.
I’ve fallen out of writing, and I’m going to try to use the month of November to get back into it. Not NaNoWriMo, which would be like doing a marathon with no training after not running for years, but trying to write something every day or most days. We’ll see how it goes. I hope I’ll get back into blogging more regularly.