That’s a Chick’s Movie

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“A movie! That’s your problem! You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.”

Today is Valentine’s Day, and I’m not going to write about love. I’m going to write about love in the movies.

This is a genre that doesn’t get a lot of respect, but I adore romantic comedies. Or, rather, I adore good romantic comedies. Sadly, there haven’t been a lot of good ones since the 90s, and most of them were written, directed, or both by the incomparable Nora Ephron, whose death last summer saddened me immensely.

So what makes a good romantic comedy? Well, the “comedy” part is important- if you’re not laughing, it won’t work. But the humor, in most romantic comedies, needs to be more character-driven than situation-driven and more verbal than visual. Obviously, the two leads need to be likeable, and you need to believe that they will work as a couple. And while the ending is a forgone conclusion (or it better be- I’ve already blogged about what I think about movies that end in breakups), there need to be enough plot twists and suspense to keep things interesting. Sadly, most romantic comedies fall short of these standards.

Also, just to be clear on what we’re talking about here, a romantic comedy must be primarily about a romantic relationship and the prospect of two people getting together. This disqualifies movies like Juno or Bridesmaids, where the romance is more like a large subplot, and movies like Love Actually, Crazy, Stupid, Love., He’s Just Not That Into You, and even 10 Things I Hate About You, which are ensemble movies about multiple romances.

Without further ado, here are my favorite romantic comedies. Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of them are from the 90s and late 80s? And that two of them have ellipses in the title?

Sleepless in Seattle

This is the movie the quote at the beginning of this post is from. Nora Ephron herself described this movie as being not about love, but about love in the movies.

More concretely, it’s about Sam (Tom Hanks), a man in Seattle raising his eight-year-old son Jonah (Ross Malinger) alone after his wife’s death. Meanwhile, in Baltimore, Annie (Meg Ryan) has just gotten engaged to a nice but somewhat awkward man named Walter (Bill Pullman). On Christmas Eve, Jonah calls a psychologist on a national radio show and says that his dad needs a new wife. Sam gets on the phone and, after overcoming his initial resistance, opens up and talks about how much he loved his wife. Annie hears the radio show and is deeply moved by it. She becomes obsessed with the idea that falling in love with Sam might be her destiny. Unfortunately, she’s not alone- women across the country write to Sam after hearing the show, and Sam is adamantly opposed to meeting any of them.

I don’t know what it is about this movie- there are just so many things I love about it. It’s funny, but in a very gentle, subtle way. The characters are written well enough that it’s never really bothered me that Annie is borderline-stalking Sam- if she’d had more resources than the extremely basic 1993 Internet we see her using, she would have found out all that information faster. And Sam is such a great character that I don’t doubt for a minute that all these women would fall in love with him. He’s sad, but has a sarcastic sense of humor that keeps him from being too depressing and is also a great dad— I love all his scenes with Jonah.

One self-aware motif in this movie is how men and women watch movies differently, and one of the most famous scenes is this one. Sam is talking with his married friends Greg and Suzy (played by Victor Garber and Tom Hanks’ wife Rita Wilson), and when Suzy gets teary-eyed describing the plot of An Affair to Remember, Sam says dismissively, “That’s a chick’s movie,” and proceeds to get emotional over The Dirty Dozen with Greg. (In college, for a class on screenwriting, I wrote a paper on this movie based on what I’d read in the shooting script, and most of this scene wasn’t originally in it!)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aZl-uBcufM]

You’ve Got Mail

“Don’t cry, Shopgirl.”

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, and Nora Ephron reunite, and this time, the two leads meet before the end of the movie! Ryan plays Kathleen, the cheerful owner of a small children’s bookstore she inherited from her mother, while Hanks plays Joe, who’s about to open up a large chain bookstore that threatens to put Kathleen out of business. In real life, they can’t stand each other, but unbeknownst to them, they’re carrying on an online romance the way people did in 1998— with lots of dial-up Internet and AOL. It’s maybe a little less sweet than Sleepless In Seattlebut a lot funnier. Watching it now is kind of weird because of how much is dated- aside from the old-school Interwebs, it makes me long for the days when big bookstore chains were the bad guys rather than e-readers.

While You Were Sleeping

“I’d say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don’t know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don’t know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really…likable.”

This is a movie that always makes me smile. Sandra Bullock plays a nice woman named Lucy who works in the Chicago subway system. With her parents dead and no siblings or significant others, she’s lonely and has no one to spend holidays with. On Christmas, a subway rider named Peter (Peter Gallagher) whom she has a crush on but has never spoken to, is mugged and falls onto the train tracks, hitting his head, and Lucy drags him away from an oncoming train. She saves his life, but he’s still in a coma, and when a nurse at the hospital overhears her saying out loud that she was going to marry him in a moment of wishful thinking, Peter’s entire kooky family ends up believing that she’s his fiancee. Fearing disappointing them and possibly giving his grandmother a heart attack, as well as longing for a family of her own, she’s unable to give up the charade. But while Peter is still in the coma (which his loving family seems weirdly unconcerned about), Lucy starts falling for his brother Jack (Bill Pullman). It’s all a bit implausible, but it’s so sweet that it’s hard not to love. And speaking of love, unlike most romantic comedies, this one is as much about familial as romantic love.

When Harry Met Sally…

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

No list of romantic comedies would be complete without this one. Meg Ryan (yep, she did a lot of rom-coms at the height of her career) and Billy Crystal play the titular characters, who share a ride home from college after they graduate and can’t stand each other. Years later, after Harry is divorced and Sally’s long-term relationship has ended, they meet again and become friends. But, as Harry says, men and women can never really be friends, because sex always gets in the way. And the end of the movie doesn’t disprove that idea. (Although my dad, who also loves this movie, disagrees with me on that. He was like, “But they were friends! They were friends for a long time!”)

If you’re going to make a guy watch a chick flick with you, I’d pick this one. (Like I said, my dad loves it.) That’s mainly because it’s really funny- more so than the average romantic comedy, and the humor is all character-driven and verbal. Billy Crystal is so natural that it’s hard to believe he didn’t make up some of his lines himself.


Say Anything…

“I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.”

Oh, Lloyd Dobler, how I love you. John Cusack’s boombox-holding romantic has become a bit of a pop-culture icon, with good reason. Despite being an underachieving recent high school graduate with no plans for college or a career beyond kickboxing and knowing that he doesn’t want to sell, buy, or process anything, when he decides to ask out the valedictorian, Diane Court (Ione Skye), he follows through. His friends see her as out of his league, but Diane, who’s pretty but a bit of a loner, says yes for a simple reason: he makes her laugh. Their relationship is threatened by Diane’s fellowship to study in England at the end of the summer and Diane’s father’s indictment for a white-collar crime, but of course love conquers all in the end.

Lloyd really stands out as a character for a number of reasons. Unlike a lot of male characters in movies, like this one, he doesn’t see the hard-to-get girl as an object, and it’s clear that Diane’s intelligence is one big reason he likes her. Once they’re together, he’s kind and thoughtful without being paternalistic, like when he makes sure she doesn’t step on broken glass in a parking lot and comforts her on an airplane, knowing that she’s afraid to fly. His two best friends are girls for whom he doesn’t have romantic feelings (yes, When Harry Met Sally…, sometimes that does happen, although it’s really rare in the movies), and he’s very sweet to them as well, at one point telling off a guy who treated his friend Corey (Lili Taylor) badly. And finally, lacking ambition of his own, he’s content to stand by as Diane chases her own dreams, like women in movies too often do for men.

Actually, you know what? If you have to watch a romantic comedy with a guy, watch this one instead of When Harry Met Sally…. All men could take some lessons from Lloyd Dobler.

Pretty Woman

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”

I know I just went on about the feminism in Say Anything…, but here’s where I destroy the feminist goodwill I’ve just built up. I do love Pretty Woman, but only if I don’t think about it too much. This movie, about a businessman and a prostitute who fall in love after he pays her to accompany him to meetings for a week and pays for a new wardrobe for her, doesn’t exactly portray an egalitarian relationship. But if you don’t dive too deep into its messages, this is a really enjoyable movie.

Okay, that was a lot of negativity. So what’s to like? Well, Richard Gere’s character, for one thing. The first time I saw this movie was at a sleepover in high school, and I thought he was so kind and loving. Julia Roberts, in one of her earliest movie roles, is as entertaining as she’s ever been- there are a lot of small comic moments with her, like singing off-key in the Jacuzzi and defending her use of dental floss with, “Well, you shouldn’t neglect your gums!” And despite the oddness of this pairing, the relationship never seems unbelievable- the moment where she whispers, “I love you,” to him as he sleeps is simple but touching.

Notting Hill

“Happiness isn’t happiness without a violin-playing goat.”

Another romantic comedy with Julia Roberts, but in this one, she’s the one with all the power. She plays Anna Scott, a movie star as famous as, well, Julia Roberts, whom British bookstore owner William (Hugh Grant) meets when she comes into his shop. Her being an internationally famous star constantly followed by paparazzi (it’s hard to imagine anyone but Roberts playing this part) and his being a nice, regular guy with a business, quirky friends and family, and a weird roommate present a lot of obstacles. But we progress to the inevitable happy ending with a lot of heart and quintessentially British humor. Incidentally, one of William’s friends is played by Hugh Bonneville from Downton Abbey!

As Good as It Gets

“You make me want to be a better man.”

Okay, this one barely qualifies as a romantic comedy, since it’s as much about Melvin (Jack Nicholson) overcoming his misanthropic ways and becoming a kinder person as it is about his relationship with Carol (Helen Hunt), the waitress who puts up with him every day. But although taking care of his neighbor’s dog is initially what starts his change, Carol is the one who makes him want to be a better man, and their relationship is too big to be a subplot. I remember the Boston Globereview, when the movie first came out (yes, I remember weird things), described the movie as being like a great, character-driven sitcom, and that’s pretty accurate. Aside from the loveliness of watching Melvin soften as he realizes that his dependence on Carol might actually be love, we see him getting attached to the dog and overcoming his prejudices to treat the gay neighbor he used to antagonize with more kindness. Impressive acting all around is what takes this movie to the next level.

What are your favorite romantic comedies?

Boston by Katie

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Over MLK weekend, I traveled out to San Francisco for my friend Jenna’s wedding to a great guy she’s been with for ten years. I met Jenna back in first grade, and I freaked out a bit when I realized that was TWENTY-TWO YEARS AGO. My friendship with Jenna is as old as a college graduate! Anyway, the wedding was lovely, and it was great to see Jenna and her family. I didn’t know many people there besides Jenna and her parents and sister, but everyone I met was awesome!

I only had a couple of days in San Francisco, a city I’d only been to once before (on my first business trip, when I was twenty-three, had spent the entirety of the previous year in Massachusetts, and so completely broke that I was over the moon at the idea of my company paying me to travel). Jenna and her new husband Mike had put up a Google Map with all their favorite places in SF on their wedding website, so I used that as my guide when figuring out what to do!

Also, I found the flower shop from The Room (or what it used to be- now it’s a coffee shop) and took a picture. I HAVE NO SHAME.



Anyway, that combined with conversations with some people at the wedding about their own visits to Boston got me thinking- if I were giving people ideas for what to do on a visit to Boston, what would they be? When I went to New York over Memorial Day weekend last year, I used this post from Nugs for ideas on what to do. Here’s my post on what to do when you’re a tourist in Boston!

Touristy Stuff
Public Garden and Boston Common: Two parks across the street from each other, both lovely. The Public Garden has the Make Way for Ducklings statues as well as the Swan Boats when the weather permits. Boston Common has athletic fields and Frog Pond, which is good for skating in winter or wading in summer.

Freedom Trail: For all the history buffs. It starts at Boston Common and takes you through historical sites like the Old North Church, the Paul Revere House, the burying ground with John Hancock’s phallic-symbol tombstone, and the Bunker Hill Monument, which is a great exercise in stair-climbing.

Museum of Science: For all the science buffs. There’s always some cool exhibit here- I saw one last year on Pompeii- and there’s also the Omni Theater and the Planetarium, plus all the regular exhibits.

Faneuil Hall Marketplace: Faneuil Hall is a historical marketplace and meeting hall, and the area surrounding it is full of stores, restaurants, bars, and street performers.

Cheers Bar: I actually never watched Cheers and I’ve only been here once, but people seem to love going here! Just make sure you’re going to the real Bull and Finch pub on Beacon St. rather than the knockoff bar in Faneuil Hall.

Newbury St.: You have to at least walk down Newbury St., even if you don’t buy anything. It’s so lovely and old-Boston. And although many of the stores are too expensive for the likes of me, there are some cheaper ones, too.

Fenway Park: Hopefully you can go to a game, but if not, see if you can take a tour. I love this park.


The North End
The North End is the Italian neighborhood of Boston, full of restaurants, bakeries, and coffee shops. I’m actually not that crazy about Italian food and therefore not the best person to ask about which restaurants to go to, but I have developed some favorites.

Fiore: I tend to forget the names of nice restaurants I go to in the North End, but this one I remember solely because of the awesome roof deck. If it’s summer, go up there at least for a drink!

Pizzeria Regina: Best pizza in Boston, in my opinion. It’s a franchise now, but the original restaurant is in the North End- go there!

Mike’s Pastry/Bova Bakery: Mike’s Pastries is very popular, with good reason. You always see people walking around with cannolis in Mike’s Pastry boxes tied with string. However, because it’s so popular, the lines can get a little nuts, so if you don’t want to wait, head one block over to Bova Bakery, which is just as good.

Restaurants
Abe and Louie’s: If you want something on the fancier side, this is my favorite steakhouse in Boston. Definitely not cheap, though.

Legal Harborside: There are a lot of Legal Sea Foods restaurants around, and they’re all good, but this one, which is fairly new, is my favorite. It overlooks Boston Harbor and if it takes you a long time to get a table (which it will, if you don’t have a reservation), go up to the top deck and order a drink and sushi while you watch the boats.

Paris Creperie: It’s not exactly an authentic French creperie, but even so, I love this place. Aside from great crepes, their Nutella hot chocolate and frozen hot chocolate are orgasmic.

Fire and Ice: This is a cool concept for a restaurant. You put as much raw meat and vegetables as you’d like into a bowl, select the sauce you’d like, and then give it to the cook in the center of the room, who throws it onto a big Mongolian grill and cooks it right in front of you. It’s a lot of fun!

Anna’s Taqueria: Cheap, cheap, cheap Mexican food. I’m a big fan, although my West Coast friends don’t seem impressed by it.

Grendel’s Den: Speaking of cheap, from 5-7:30 on weeknights, this restaurant in Harvard Square has food at half-price if you order a drink!

KO Pies: This Australian food hole-in-the-wall is right down the street from my office. Yeah, I know, Australian food? But this place has amazing meat pies, chicken schnitzel burgers, potato wedges, and Lamingtons.

Bars

Drink: This is such a cool bar. While you can order your standard wine and beer, there’s no menu–rather, you have a conversation with the bartender so that they’ll mix you something you’d like. “Let’s have a conversation about your alcoholic needs!” It looks kind of like a science lab, with long tables, and the bartenders will grind up ingredients or squeeze the juice out of fruit.

Scholars: This is a fairly new bar that has a little bit of everything- great beer list, great cocktail list, dancing, pool tables, private rooms. Also, it’s HUGE- I can’t stand bars that are cramped.

Common Ground: Most of the time, this place isn’t quite so special. But Friday night is “My So-Called 90s Night,” and dancing to all this nostalgic music is so much fun I don’t even care what I drink.

Pretty Things

Boston Harbor Islands: If it’s summer, take a boat out here. They’re beautiful and a lot of people forget about them.

Arnold Arboretum: This is in Jamaica Plain, but you forget you’re still in the city when you’re here. Great for hiking or just sitting by yourself.

Other Good Things to Know

As much as I complain about the T, you should take it in Boston. Cabs are more expensive here than in any other city I’ve visited. Don’t take the cab unless you’re taking an early flight or are at a bar until later than 1:00 AM.

For some reason, a lot of people from out of town mispronounce “Copley” as in “Copley Square.” The first syllable is “cop,” not “cope.”

If you like seafood, you should eat it. Actually, even if you’re not crazy about seafood, you should eat it in Boston. I’m convinced that you can’t get good seafood outside of New England.

We really do say “wicked.”

Obligatory New Year Post

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Everyone is doing these year-summation and New Year’s resolution posts, but I find myself resisting that. Partly because, well, I’m not sure how I feel about 2012. It wasn’t a bad year but not a particularly good one, either. I kind of feel like I spent most of the year in a state of blah. There were so many things I should have been doing—dating, eating better, exercising more, writing, meeting my goals—but most of the time I opted to collapse in bed wasting time on the Internet instead.

Although, at least I can say that my time blogging didn’t fall into the “wasting time” category. I did meet my goal of posting 50+ times last year, and I had a lot of fun doing that and staying involved in 20sb.

So here we are, 11 days into 2013, and thankfully, I’m on my way to having a more productive year. And while I’m trying to get a lot done, I’m also trying to cut myself a bit of slack and not hate myself if I don’t meet those goals as fully as I’d like to, since that sometimes leads to giving up. Progress, in any form, would be a good thing. Here are some of the things I’m going to work on:

  • Dating. It would be so, so nice to be in a relationship with a guy I love. Dating sucks, and the longer I’m single the more discouraged I get, but I’m just keeping my eyes on the prize here.
  • Financial things, which I won’t bore you with.
  • Eating better. I’m not going to do some kind of detox like the 17-Day Diet I did last year, which did help me lose weight in the short term but which I wasn’t able to keep up. But I am keeping track of what I eat, cutting down on sugar, and cooking more.
  • Really committing to exercise. I’m taking a break from distance running for now, although I might do some shorter races this year. When I was training for my most recent half-marathon, I found myself dreading the runs on my schedule, which is a pretty good indicator that I’m not getting any joy from running. So while I’m still going to run sometimes, no races with double-digit miles for now. I am also trying to make it to the pool, the yoga studio, and the gym more often. I went to a boot camp class on Monday, will be going to Zumba tomorrow morning, and am making my way through Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred. (In more than 30 days, though—that whole cutting myself slack thing!)
  • Certain work-related goals that I’m not going to get into here.
  • I don’t talk about this much on the blog, but I have a church I go to that I really like and I’d like to get more involved with it.
  • Getting more organized. This is embarrassing to admit, but I’m a bit of a slob and more often than not, my bedroom looks like my closet threw up. I need to get rid of a lot of the shit I don’t need, too.
  • Getting more sleep. Amazingly, I’m already making progress at breaking my terrible habit of staying up late for no good reason, and I feel better already.
  • WRITE. I love writing fiction. Why have I been doing so little of it in recent years? I’m thinking about taking another Grub Streetclass as well.
  • And the most fun one—traveling to England and Ireland! I have never been to Europe and would love to change that. And I have some amazing friends who would be great travel buddies as well.

On a related note, recently, after hearing about it from several other bloggers, I completed the Joy Equation with Stratejoy. I’m kind of skeptical about self-helpy kinds of programs like that, but I really liked it and felt like my head was clearer once I finished it. It helped me zero in on the values that are important to me and give me a clearer idea of what I want my future to look like.

This is going to sound kind of vague, and I apologize, but 2012 was also a year where I kind of challenged some of the things I thought I wanted. For most of my twenties, I’ve been working toward certain things for my future that, I realized this year, I no longer think I want.

The summer right after my senior year of college, I was living on campus at the school I’d just graduated from, working one part-time job in the morning and another in the afternoon and then going back to the dorm room to search for jobs online until I went to bed. I had no idea what my future held in terms of jobs and living situations but did have a weird, completely unfounded faith that everything would work out—and it did. That summer ended with me finding a job and an apartment in an instance of absolutely perfect timing. I am kind of astounded when I look back at how optimistic I was when I was twenty-two. The faith I had in myself and in the future seemed to be completely unfounded and misplaced—but it wasn’t. And now I wonder if some of that belief is what actually created that future.

So now I’ve done something I’d previously been terrified of—imagining a life different from the one I’ve spent years imagining. Now that I’ve let go of something I’d held onto for way too long, weirdly enough, I don’t have any fear at all. I have two quotes from books I love that come to mind (and I’m pretty sure I’ve used both of them before on this blog):

“Not giving a shit, she decided, is like the defrost option on a car’s heater that miraculously unfogs the windshield, allowing you to see where you’re headed.”

-from Empire Fallsby Richard Russo

Not to say I don’t give a shit about anything, just no longer about things I shouldn’t.

“And when the event, the big change in your life, is simply an insight—isn’t that a strange thing? That absolutely nothing changes except that you see things differently and you’re less fearful and less anxious and generally stronger as a result: isn’t it amazing that a completely invisible thing in your head can feel realer than anything you’ve experienced before? You see things more clearly and you know that you’re seeing them more clearly. And it comes to you that this is what it means to love life, this is all anybody who talks seriously about God is ever talking about. Moments like this.”

-from The Correctionsby Jonathan Franzen

So that was all a really long, complicated way of saying something that I probably could have just said in the words of George Michael: “Cause I gotta have faith.” And that’s something I’m going to work on, too- while it’s important to take steps towards goals like I’m doing now, what’s also important is working on having more confidence, more hope, more faith that in the end, everything will work out.

Playlist of the Moment: Songs for All Year Long

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Every New Year’s Eve for the last six years, I’ve gone through my music and made a gigantic playlist of music I’d like to listen to more often. I just made my 2013 playlist, but I’m not going to share that here because it’s too long!

I am, however, going to share with you a playlist called “Songs for All Year Long.” It has a song for each month and many holidays. Listen to it all through next year, or right now as we welcome in the new one!1. The Damn Millionaires, “Brand New Year”
2. The Goo Goo Dolls, “January Friend”
3. U2, “Pride (In the Name of Love)”
4. The Goo Goo Dolls, “Two Days in February”
5. Martina McBride, “Valentine”
6. Randy Newman, “Mr. President (Have Pity on the Working Man)”
7. Christine Kane, “Mary Catherine’s Ash Wednesday Journal Entry”
8. Lex Land, “Ides of March”
9. Mary Black, “A Song for Ireland”
10. Simon and Garfunkel, “April Come She Will”
11. Judy Garland, “Easter Parade”
12. Jonathan Coulton, “First of May”
13. Liz Phair, “Cinco de Mayo”
14. Beth Hart, “Mama”
15. Sarah McLachlan, “I Will Remember You”
16. The Decemberists, “June Hymn”
17. Barenaked Ladies, “The Flag”
18. George Michael, “Father Figure”
19. The Dixie Chicks, “Cold Day in July”
20. Martina McBride, “Independence Day”
21. Rilo Kiley, “August”
22. Green Day, “Wake Me Up When September Ends”
23. Kris Allen, “She Works Hard for the Money”
24. James Taylor, “October Road”
25. Ella Fitzgerald, “They All Laughed”
26. Loreena McKennitt, “All Souls Night”
27. Guns ‘n’ Roses, “November Rain”
28. Dropkick Murphys, “The Green Fields of France”
29. Andrew Gold, “Thank You for Being a Friend”
30. Green Day, “Macy Day Parade”
31. Counting Crows, “A Long December”
32. Joni Mitchell, “River”
33. Mairi Campbell and David Francis, “Auld Lang Syne” 

Songs for All Year Long from purebrightfire on 8tracks Radio.

Katie Recaps The Room, Part II

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Previously, there was this post. Let’s continue.

In the next scene, Lisa is calling Mark again, who responds to “I miss you,” with “I just saw you. What are you talking about?” Blah blah blah Mark doesn’t want to see her again, but we all know how long that will last.

AND THEN WE HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PIECE OF ACTING. See for yourself.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5utc5TOPNbo]

Uh, yeah. Also, we never find out HOW Johnny found out about Lisa’s lie about him hitting her, but we do get this random Chris-R scene? WTF?

Anyway, Mark wants to know if girls like to cheat like guys do. He knew one girl who had a dozen guys, and when one of them found out, he beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guererro Street. Johnny’s response to this? HE LAUGHS. Even though that’s not the least bit funny. When Johnny says Mark needs a girl, Mark says, “Maybe I already do.” He also comments about women, “Sometimes they’re too smart. Other times they’re just flat-out stupid. Other times, they’re just evil.” In another movie I might find this misogynistic and disturbing, but because everything else here is so ridiculous, it’s best not to think about it too much.

After Mark leaves the roof as Johnny throws a football in the air (drink!), Denny comes up. They’re going to see a movie that night, but when Denny asks what kind of movie, Johnny says not to plan too much, because it might come out right. As they throw a football around, Denny confesses that he thinks he’s in love with Lisa, who “looks beautiful in her red dress” (drink!). Johnny takes the news amazingly well, telling Denny not to worry about it and waxing philosophical: “If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live.” Also, Denny has apparently been seeing some girl named Elizabeth and after some thought, Denny says he wants to marry Elizabeth once he graduates, which earns him a, “That’s the idea!” (Drink!) The scene ends with Johnny saying, “Let’s go eat, huh?”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXNLkD9PA3g]

In the next scene, Lisa repeats the Johnny-hit-me lie to Michelle, who reacts more appropriately than Claudette did. Lisa also confesses her affair with Mark. Michelle warns her that someone will get hurt, but agrees not to tell anyone about it. Then Johnny comes home, and Michelle leaves, warning Lisa to remember what she said. Johnny confronts Lisa about her hitting lie. Lisa warns Johnny that she might change her mind about him, and when Lisa says she’s going upstairs, Johnny gets upset and ends up saying…

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plz-bhcHryc]

Lisa asks him why he’s so hysterical, and he says, “Do you understand life? Do you?” They sort of awkwardly make up as Lisa goes upstairs for the night, and Johnny says, “I still love you!” I know the movie has reminded us a million times that LISA IS HOT, but I still can’t quite see why Johnny seems to love her so much.

Next scene. Johnny is in the hallway when Mike shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mike!”) and retells, for some reason, the story about Claudette seeing him run back into the apartment to retrieve what he refers to as “me underwears” [sic]. Then Denny shows up with a football (drink!) and they throw it around in the hallway while standing about three feet apart. Then Mark shows up (drink for “Oh, hai Mark!”) He joins the conversation and comments, “Underwear, what’s that?” Mike doesn’t want to talk about it, and Mark very lightly nudges Mike, who somehow crumbles and falls dramatically into a metal trash can. Everyone is way more concerned about THIS than about Claudette’s breast cancer. Then they all decide to go home. No, there was not, in fact, a point to this scene, but that’s true so many times in this movie that it’s not even worth mentioning anymore.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHXkcZh_kqY]

In the next scene, Claudette is complaining to Lisa about how Johnny wouldn’t help her friend with something with her house because “it’s an awkward situation.” Claudette and Lisa have the same conversation again (drink!) except that this time, Lisa confesses that she’s seeing someone else. AND, dun dun dun, unbeknownst to them, Johnny is listening on the stairs. Claudette is also apparently psychic because, apropos of nothing, she comments, “If you think I’m tired today, you should see me tomorrow.” After Claudette and Lisa leave, Johnny indignantly (or as “indignantly” as Tommy Wiseau’s limited acting abilities will allow him to get) vows to “record everything” and sets up a cassette tape to record phone calls. Which…must be a pretty long tape, if it’s continuously recording.

Next scene. Johnny complains to another friend, a psychologist named Peter, about Lisa being unfaithful to him. Despite being a psychologist, Peter doesn’t have much useful advice except to confront Lisa, which Johnny won’t do. Then Mark comes over (two “oh hais”) and tells everyone that he’s seeing a woman who’s married and that it’s an awkward situation. Johnny talks about how Lisa is saying she might not want to get married, and Mark inserts two non-sequiturs, first about how he’s thinking of getting a bigger place because he’s making some good money, then to ask them if they’re doing Bay to Breakers. Peter says he’s not, to which Johnny responds by calling him a chicken and cheep-cheeping (drink!). Peter asks how Johnny and Lisa met, and Johnny says that it’s an interesting story. That phrase in this movie is a bit frightening, but it’s…not that interesting at all. Johnny had just moved to San Fran with a large check from an “out of state bank” that he couldn’t cash…despite being a banker. He saw Lisa in a coffee shop and thought she was so beautiful (drink!). Mark echoes my thoughts by asking what the interesting part is, and it’s that…Lisa paid for their first date. Okay then. Speaking of the devil, Lisa comes in with Denny, and Mark says he has to leave, despite Lisa wanting him to stick around. Denny asks Lisa about the wedding and why Johnny doesn’t seem excited about it, but Lisa blows him off and Denny leaves.

Peter goes up on the roof in the net scene to find Mark wearing a Canadian tuxedo and smoking pot. Maybe Chris-R is his dealer, too? He offers some to Peter, who declines. Mark is feeling guilty about something he’s done and feels like running and killing himself or doing something crazy. Peter confronts Mark about having an affair with Lisa, and Mark responds by…trying to throw Peter off the room. For like two seconds. Then he apologizes, Peter says he’s fine, AND THEN THEY GO ON AS IF MARK DIDN’T JUST TRY TO MURDER PETER. Peter says Mark shouldn’t see Lisa again and that Lisa is probably a sociopath. Mark whatevers him, and they both get down off the roof.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wH33L8GcxXU]

Oh, we’re in for a great scene next. Johnny is wearing his tuxedo and on the phone with someone. When he gets off, Denny comes in…also wearing a tux. Wedding? Nope, they just felt like putting their tuxedos on today. Don’t ask, because you will not get an explanation on this. The doorbell rings and in comes Peter, also in a tux. And then comes Mark…and while he’s also wearing a tux, the weirdest part is that there’s dramatic music and a close-up on Mark’s newly shaven face. Denny suggests playing football. Peter’s not so sure about it, but after they cheep-cheep him (drink!), he agrees. So they go outside and throw the football around while wearing tuxes and standing about three feet apart from each other. Then Peter trips and falls flat on his face, causing Denny to remark, “Gee, Peter, you’re clumsy.” Despite them only having played for about ten seconds, Peter says, “All right, that’s it. I’m done.”

And he is. Peter completely disappears from the movie after this scene.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjgPYaCr6so]

More San Fran, then a coffee shop scene in which someone is ordering cheesecake and bottled water. Johnny comes in holding…one manila folder. I guess that means he’s just come from work? He and Mark sit down at a table, and Mark vaguely complains about relationships again. The waitress brings their drinks and suggests they order cheesecake, but they decline. Mark asks Johnny how work was, and he said that the bank just got a new client. However, he can’t tell Mark about it, despite Mark’s protestations, because it’s confidential. He badly attempts to change the subject by asking Mark, “Anyway, how’s your sex life?” Uh…okay. Mark doesn’t want to tell him, and Johnny asks, “Why not?” as if randomly asking about someone’s sex life is a completely normal thing to do. Johnny gets up and leaves (neither of them ever pay for their drinks) and they make plans to go jogging.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCVSyhjBhro]

In Johnny and Lisa’s apartment, Lisa is seducing Mark AGAIN, and we DRINK! for another awkward sex scene and slow jam. Mark somehow seems really surprised by the whole thing, EVEN THOUGH HE’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY.

So when that’s finally over, we see Johnny and Mark at some park, running and tossing a football around. (Drink!) Why? Who knows?

But somehow, Mark is ALSO back at Johnny and Lisa’s. You know what? I think I’ve figured this out. Claudette can see the future and Mark can be in two places at once. THIS IS ACTUALLY A SUPERHERO MOVIE.

Before long, Mark and Lisa have taken their shirts off and Mark has told Lisa she’s beautiful (drink!). But Michelle knocks on the door before they can get too far and teases Mark with the XYZ (x-amine your zipper) joke that you thought was hilarious in second grade. Lisa and Michelle discuss the affair and how Lisa still hasn’t told Johnny, blah blah blah.

AND NOW MARK IS BACK WITH JOHNNY AT THE PARK. WTF? Now they’re just running like they’d talked about.

After some more stock San Francisco shots, Johnny leaves and says goodbye to Lisa as Claudette comes in. THEY HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATION THEY ALWAYS HAVE. Drink! Claudette opines that “marriage has nothing to do with love.”

That night, Johnny returns home to Lisa’s surprise birthday party for him. All their friends are there except Peter who, as I said, has disappeared from the movie.

There’s San Francisco footage in between scenes at the party, which makes no sense, but neither does anything else. Anyway, everyone is talking at the party when Lisa suggests going outside for some fresh air. This, of course, is just an excuse to make out with Mark…and what could go wrong with that? How about some random guy, who’s probably taking Peter’s lines, walking in on them? (The credits say his name is “Stephen,” so I’ll call him that). He asks them why they’re doing this, and Mark indignantly responds with possibly the best line in the movie: “You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your STUPID comments in your pocket!”

I need to start using that line more.

Johnny comes back in and says to Lisa, “You invited all my friends. Good thinking!” as if that’s not what you normally do for a surprise party. Then they all go back outside. Johnny suddenly announces to everyone that he and Lisa are “expecting.”  After some congratulations, Michelle and Stephen confront Lisa about the cheating thing, and Lisa admits that she’s not really pregnant—she told Johnny that to “make it interesting.” Uh…okay? You think he won’t notice in nine months when the baby’s not there? Stephen says, “I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off!” Lisa is unmoved and still doesn’t want to tell Johnny or do anything about the situation, and eventually she just tells everyone to go back inside for cake.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQtRS4wuvBU]

Inside, some completely random guy we’ve never seen before says his one and only line, “Lisa looks hot tonight.” (Drink!) Mark asks Lisa if the baby is hers, and Lisa ends up slapping him, which leads to Mark and Johnny briefly fighting. Cut to a bit later, when Lisa and Mark are basically slow dancing to no music. Johnny asks what they’re doing, and Lisa and Mark both say to leave them alone. Mark indignantly tells Johnny that Lisa’s changed her mind about him, and then echoes what many of us are thinking by saying, “Wake up, man! What planet are you on?” Johnny yells, “Don’t touch me, motherfucker!” and they end up fighting again. Johnny “cheep-cheeps” at Mark, which enrages him for some reason, and Johnny eventually stomps out yelling, “Everybody betray me. I’m fed up with this world!”

Later, Johnny has locked himself in the bathroom. Claudette says goodbye to Lisa as if everything is normal, and then Lisa asks Johnny when he’s coming out. Johnny: “In a few minutes, bitch.” Lisa: “Who are you calling a bitch?” Johnny: “You and your stupid mother.” And Lisa decides to take this opportunity to….call Mark. Great timing, that girl has. Mark no longer cares about being Johnny’s best friend and tells Lisa, “I want your body.” Johnny comes out of the bathroom and indignantly checks the magic tape recorder. You’d think he’d have all the proof he needs at this point that Mark and Lisa are having an affair, but for some reason the tape is what makes him go totally crazy. He and Lisa argue, and after listening to more of the tape, Johnny throws the tape recorder and moans about how he doesn’t have a friend in the world. Unmoved, Lisa tells him she’s leaving him and goes to be with Mark.

Then Johnny starts yelling and knocking things off shelves and breaking things as he flashes back to happier times. The pictures of spoons remain intact, but the TV he throws out the window isn’t so lucky. Then for some reason, he rubs Lisa’s red dress all over himself and then tears it up. Finally, he takes a gun out of a box (is it the same one he took from Chris-R?) and says, “God, forgive me,” before sticking the gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.

Lisa and Mark run in. “Wake up Johnny!” yells Mark, while Lisa asks, “Is he dead?”

…Um, really? I’m not sure which one of those stupid comments is deeper in the pocket.

Lisa cries and Mark kisses Johnny’s forehead. But that doesn’t last long. Lisa says to Mark, “I’ve lost him but I still have you, right?” Mark retorts, “You’ll never have me.” He calls her a tramp and says she killed Johnny, followed with, “GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU BITCH!” Then Denny comes in, also crying, and Mark says to Lisa, “As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.” Lisa and Mark start to leave, but eventually come back to comfort Denny. As we fade out, sirens wail in the background, and in a nice touch, we hear voices, one of them being a random woman who says, “Call 911!”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch1ti1VMzXU]

So that, my friends, is the glorious, awful wonder that is The Room. If you’re in Boston, Coolidge Corner does screenings about once a month. If you’re not in Boston, there’s probably a theater somewhere in your area that does them, too.

Either way, meet me there, as I hope I’ve convinced you to see it by now. Bring spoons, but leave your stupid comments in your pocket.

Katie Recaps The Room, Part I

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If you have talked to me in the last six months, chances are you have heard me mention two movies. One, of course, is Les Mis. The other, at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, is a movie called The Room.

If you’ve heard of it, well, you’ve heard of it—Julie had when I mentioned it to her. If not, it is a movie that is so bad that it’s actually a masterpiece of bad filmmaking.

The Room, which came out in 2003, was basically the giant vanity project of one Tommy Wiseau, a weird-looking middle-aged dude with long black hair and an accent that sounds kind of Eastern European, although he won’t tell anyone where he’s from. Some people have speculated that he’s an alien, which…actually would explain a lot. He financed the movie himself, by importing leather jackets from Korea or something, and for years, the movie had a billboard in a prominent place in LA. Eventually, people started going to see it in the one theater where it was playing, and when some famous people started spreading the word about it, it really took off. Now they do midnight showings, Rocky Horror-style, in theaters across the country. People throw plastic spoons whenever the movie’s framed pictures of spoons come onscreen and yell out lines.  Julie and I went to a screening back in October and it was a lot of fun!

Julie and I have been trying to get more people to see it, but, funny thing, people don’t generally react with enthusiasm when you say, “I just saw the worst movie of all time! You should definitely see it!”

So I figured I needed a better way to convince people to see it. And what better way than by doing a blog post recapping the movie in all its laughably bad glory? So, without further ado, I present:

Katie Recaps The Room

First, we get vanity production studio graphic for “Wiseau Films” and some dramatic music that sounds like something from a video game.  Then we open with some establishing stock footage of San Francisco. There will be a lot of this throughout the movie, although it doesn’t really matter that it takes place there—it could take place anywhere. This movie stars, is directed by, is produced by, is executive produced by, and is written by Tommy Wiseau.

Who’s Tommy Wiseau, you ask? Why, he’s this guy.

He sounds as strange as he looks, too—weird, vague Eastern European accent that sounds even weirder saying the lines you will soon hear him say.

And here comes the first line.

“Hi, babe. I’ve something for you!” Tommy Wiseau’s character Johnny, you see, has just arrived home to give his future wife Lisa a gift. (I say “future wife” because this movie is, for some reason, allergic to the word “fiancée.” It’s always “future husband” and “future wife.”) It turns out to be a red dress, and Lisa goes upstairs to try it on, then comes down the spiral staircase wearing it. Johnny: “Wow! You look so sexy , Lisa.”

OKAY. Now, before I get any further with this, I need to introduce….THE ROOM DRINKING GAME. The rules include drinking any time any one of these things happen:

  • One character says to another, “Oh hai ______.”
  • Johnny says, “That’s the idea.”
  • Someone comments on how hot Lisa looks
  • Any characters throw a football
  • A plot thread is dropped
  • There’s an awkward sex scene
  • Lisa and her mom have the same conversation they just had in the last scene
  • Johnny poorly imitates a chicken by going, “Cheep cheep cheep!” instead of “Bawk bawk bawk!”

So we’re less than a minute in, and already we’ve had one drink. We’ll have another in two seconds when their neighbor Denny, who’s about eighteen, enters and Johnny greets him with an “oh hai Denny.” Denny compliments Lisa on the dress, then asks how much it costs. They tell him not to ask a question like that, but if you think that’s socially awkward, just wait until the next scene.

Johnny says he’s going upstairs to take a nap. Denny asks if he can come, too, but Lisa says she’s going to join him. So Denny stands there eating an apple for a second before deciding to, uh, come upstairs and join Johnny and Lisa in the little pillow fight they’re having. Why? “I just like to watch you guys.” Rather than get creeped the fuck out by this kid who likes to watch them, they just laugh and tell him that three’s a crowd. When it dawns on Denny that they want to be alone, Johnny says, “That’s the idea.” (Drink!)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qge1xYJnrRI]

So Denny leaves, and next we have a really long, awkward sex scene (Drink!) that goes on for about four minutes and involves some terrible editing in which Lisa’s hair goes from up to down to back up. Meanwhile, some obscure slow jam plays on the soundtrack.

The next morning, Johnny wakes up and quite literally smells the roses before we get a completely gratuitous shot of his naked ass as he gets up. Johnny says goodbye to Lisa before leaving for work.

Then Lisa’s mother Claudette comes over and after saying hi to her daughter says, “Let’s go to the couch and we will sit down,” which is not the kind of thing you normally say out loud. Lisa then complains that she’s tired of Johnny because he’s…boring. Because he….buys her things and is going to buy a house, apparently. Claudette, who is apparently not much of a feminist, tells Lisa, “He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself.” She reminds Lisa of all the things Johnny has bought her, that his position is secure, that he’s getting a promotion, etc. This is the same conversation Lisa and Claudette will have a zillion times throughout the movie, so…Drink! Then, as quickly as she came, Claudette has to leave.

Lisa then sits in a chair next to, uh, framed pictures of spoons (yeah, that’s not even the weirdest thing in this movie) and calls someone who we later learn is Johnny’s best friend Mark. She complains about how her mother wants to control her life, then says, I kid you not, “I’m gonna do what I want to do and that’s it. What do you think I should do?” Mark doesn’t know what she should do, but they do make plans to see each other the next day.

More San Francisco. Then the doorbell rings and it’s the next day, apparently, and Mark comes over. He sits down and Lisa starts caressing him and pouring wine. She says it’s hot in there before taking off her sweater to reveal a strapless dress. Mark: “I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress…what’s going on here?” Uh…there are no candles, the only music is on the soundtrack, and the dress ain’t that sexy. Lisa replies, “I like you very much, lover. Boy.” That’s exactly how she says it, too, with a pause in the middle. Mark reminds her that Johnny is his best friend and he and Lisa will be married the next month, but while Mark resists, Lisa’s declarations that she loves him and not Johnny eventually lead to them having sex on the spiral staircase as another random slow jam plays. Which looks…really uncomfortable. And, drink!

Afterwards, Mark reminds us AGAIN that Johnny is his best friend and asks Lisa why she did this to him, as if he had no choice in the matter. He reminds Lisa how beautiful she is (drink!) but says he can’t continue it.

And then, the best twenty seconds in the history of film. I can’t adequately summarize it, so I’ll just show you the video:

  [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S9Ew3TIeVQ]

Another drink there for the “Hai, doggie.”

In the net scene, Lisa is ordering a really complicated pizza, “Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese,” when the doorbell rings and it’s Denny. He’s looking for Johnny, who’s not home yet, but he tells Lisa how great she looks (drink!) and…asks if he can kiss her. Lisa’s reaction, “You are such a little brat!” is only slightly more understandable than their reaction to Denny liking to watch them. Denny leaves, and just a bit later, Johnny comes home with the dozen red roses he bought in the super-rushed flower shop scene where the florist somehow didn’t recognize him until he took off his sunglasses.

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?

Johnny: Nah. (goes to sit on the couch)

Lisa, who was apparently not listening: You didn’t get it, did you?

Johnny complains about how much money he saves the bank. “They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.” Uh, I think you do care, dude, or you wouldn’t be so upset right now. Lisa says that at least he has friends—she didn’t get any calls today because “the computer business is too competitive.” Lisa asks if he wants a pizza, and to his “whatever,” she says, “I already ordered a pizza. Johnny: “Lisa, you think about everything!” Although Johnny doesn’t drink, Lisa eventually convinces him to have one that seems to be…vodka and scotch. Okay then.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpfPmvG6CHI]

Cut to a bit later, when Lisa is wearing Johnny’s tie on her head and the remains of that complicated pizza Lisa ordered appear to be… plain cheese. They’re both drunk and laughing, or as Johnny puts it, “I’m tired, I’m wasted…I love you, darling!” Soon we have another long, awkward sex scene on our hands (drink!) that looks like it’s made up of recycled footage from the last Johnny/Lisa scene.

In the net scene, Lisa is telling her mom about the surprise party she’s planning for Johnny as Claudette complains about real estate problems with her brother. “Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.” Lisa contradicts that last statement, and Claudette says, “I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.” Yikes! But Lisa…takes the news disturbingly well and tells Claudette that she’ll be fine. AND THEN THEY MOVE RIGHT ALONG AS IF SHE NEVER SAID IT. WTF? How is Lisa getting bored with Johnny, which is the same conversation they had before (drink!) more important than FUCKING BREAST CANCER?

Seriously. This may be the one and only incidence in film where breast cancer is funny. It will never come up again for the rest of the movie, so DRINK!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnnTqFTHGuc]

Anyway, after Claudette says to Lisa, “At least you have a good man,” Lisa says forcefully, “You’re wrong!” and that last night Johnny got drunk…and hit her. Claudette’s reaction to that? “Johnny doesn’t drink!”

DUDE. Did you  miss the part about him hitting her? (Which isn’t true, but still!)

After more Johnny-is-your-financial-security talk, Lisa says she has to meet with a client and kicks her mother out.

And then, things get even weirder when two characters we have never seen before (we later learn that their names are Mike and Michelle) sneak into Johnny and Lisa’s apartment to…have sex. And say things like, “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?”

Why is this happening? Your guess is as good as mine. Is their apartment being fumigated? Is “computer business” code for renting the apartment out for people to have afternoon quickies? Does one of them have some weird disease where they’ll die if they don’t have sex for too long?

Whatever the reason, in the next scene, Lisa and Claudette come back in from shopping as Mike and Michelle try to get their clothes back on and look natural. Lisa is laughing as she tells her mom that these two like to come over to “do homework.” Just a bit later, Denny comes over to pull the whole neighbor-cliché of needing to borrow sugar, except he also needs butter and flour. After Denny leaves, we get some exposition about him. As it turns out, Johnny wanted to adopt Denny and is paying for an apartment in the building and Denny’s college tuition. Then, suddenly, Mike runs back in to get the underwear that he forgot to grab before leaving.

AND THEN IT GETS WEIRDER. In the next scene, Denny is standing on the roof with a basketball when this menacing-looking guy comes out. His name is Chris-R, written exactly like that. That hyphen is so badass, y’all. Anyway, Chris-R, who might be the best actor in this whole film (which certainly isn’t saying much), is looking for his money from Denny, who assures him that it will be there in five minutes. Chris-R: “Five minutes? I don’t have five FUCKING minutes!” And then he’s holding a gun at Denny’s head and screaming at him for the money. Out of nowhere, Johnny and Mark are on the roof, wrestling the gun away from Chris-R and then dragging him downstairs. Lisa and Claudette soon follow, and when he tells them that he owes Chris-R some money, Lisa demands no less than three times, “What kind of money?” as if the most important thing here is whether he owes yen or pesos. Claudette starts lecturing Denny as if she didn’t just meet him, and Denny assures them that Chris-R is going to jail, which…he couldn’t possibly know. Denny admits that he bought some drugs off Chris-R, but doesn’t have them anymore. He won’t say what kind of drugs, though, despite Lisa’s screaming at him. Apparently, he needed money to pay off some things, so…he was buying drugs to sell them? Is Chris-R some kind of drug wholesaler? Claudette keeps yelling at him until Denny yells back, “You’re not my fucking mother!” Then Johnny and Mark come back, and after a lot more screaming and apologizing, they all decide to go home. DROPPED PLOT MEANS DRINK!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zoqky3GoFCQ]

(Still with me? Stay tuned for more awful awesome-ness in Part II!)

Stop the Internet, I HAVE SEEN THE LES MIS MOVIE

21 Replies

Christmas was lovely—lots of family, good food, and, because it’s my mom’s side of the family, gossip about people from Lowell. Christmas, I forgive you for forcing me to wait one day for….

….drumroll….

LES MIS! Yes, Internet, I’ve finally seen it after months of anticipation. And it was wonderful. Not perfect, but still incredibly amazing, and I will be seeing it again soon. (I have a cold right now—my first cold in over three years, which must be some kind of record—and I’d like to see the movie again while fully healthy, so I can use tissues for another reason.)

Anyway: my thoughts. SPOILERS LIE HEREIN.

  • Everything you’ve heard about Anne Hathaway’s performance is true. She’s a heartbreaking Fantine—and I normally find Hathaway a little annoying, so you know I mean that. Her voice is gorgeous, first of all, and her “I Dreamed a Dream” is outstanding. That’s one of the more popular songs from the musical, and here they’ve moved it to after Fantine becomes a prostitute. She manages to capture perfectly, in less than five minutes, Fantine’s extraordinary pain while still singing it beautifully. You’ve heard the song before, but never like this. She’s totally going to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.
  • And if there’s any justice in the world, Samantha Barks will get a nomination as well. SO GLAD they went with a theater veteran for Eponine. She knows this character, she GETS this character, and she plays her perfectly. Her “On My Own” was lovely, and in the movie, they went with the book’s version Eponine’s death—she gets shot trying to protect Marius, which of course just makes her death even sadder. I have a feeling she’ll be the voice for a whole new generation of teenage girls with unrequited crushes—and I really hope that this is just the beginning of lots of great things for the luminously gorgeous Ms. Barks. If they ever do a movie version of Wicked, how about her playing Elphaba?
  • Hugh Jackman was wonderful as well, and he should get an Oscar. The only reason I’m not more enthusiastic about his performance is that many theater actors (including Colm Wilkinson, playing the bishop here) have sung the part better than he did. But even with such intimidating predecessors, he was excellent. It’s a difficult role—the character goes from hardened convict to distinguished mayor to doting father to reluctant revolutionary—and he’s convincing throughout. And he does sing well, his voice just isn’t as pretty as many of the stage Valjeans.
  • Biggest surprise of the movie: Eddie Redmayne! I’d never heard of him before Les Mis (apparently, he was in My Week with Marilyn), but he was excellent. (Cute, too.) He managed to do what I’d thought was impossible: he made me like Marius. I’ve never really liked Marius—he’s the rich kid who pretends he’s poor, like a nineteenth-century hipster, and he’s totally oblivious to his generous and caring friend’s love for him because he’s too busy mooning over the pretty rich girl. But Redmayne somehow made him much more sympathetic. I think I just bought his love-at-first-sight with Cosette more when we could see it up close on screen, and he captures Marius’s innocence well and makes him kind of adorable. He has a wonderful singing voice as well, especially on “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables.” That song doesn’t normally move me much, but Redmayne made me tear up a bit. I mean, really, poor guy—he gets to marry the love of his life, but only after every single one of his friends dies. Now that I think of it, who even came to the wedding? Anyway, I’d love it if Redmayne got an Oscar nomination as well.
  • Amanda Seyfried was better than I expected as Cosette. While her voice is very thin, it’s also very pretty, and she hits all the high notes (Cosette has the highest range of any character). Cosette comes across with slightly more personality onscreen than she does onstage or in the book—but just slightly. Damn it, Marius, why do you like her better than Eponine again? She’s totally the simple girl to Eponine’s Katie girl.
  • Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were hilarious as the Thenardiers, although I’m not quite sure why he was the only one in the movie with a French accent. I was, however, a bit disappointed with “Master of the House.” That’s such a fun song, and I felt like they could have made it into more of an ensemble number rather than just using it to flesh out the Thenardiers’ characters through a frenetic series of cuts. I think it ultimately came off too cartoon-y in a movie that’s otherwise brutally realistic.
  • Russell Crowe was the casting choice I was most apprehensive about, and that concern was…warrented. He’s not awful, and people who aren’t familiar with the musical or story will probably like his performance, but I just didn’t think the color of his singing voice was right for the character. His style is more laid back and croon-y, when Javert needs to be more dramatic and belt-y. I’d downloaded the highlights soundtrack before seeing the movie, so I knew what to expect going in, and that helped me to pay attention to Crowe’s good acting choices rather than his subpar singing. Still, during the confrontation scene, when Valjean yells at Javert, “I’m a stronger man by far!” I was like, “Well, duh.”
  • Speaking of Russell Crowe, while most of the actors take advantage of the live singing and throw in some talk-singing to make it more realistic, he really sings every note. But that seems weirdly appropriate for a character who is dedicated to following the rules at all costs. “NO! This is a musical, and we’re supposed to SING, damn it! I’m going to SING!”
  • One criticism I keep reading about Tom Hooper’s direction is that he uses too many close-up shots, and that’s valid. It works really well in some places, but in others I was dying for the camera to be pulled back. Ultimately, though, I think his good directing choices outweighed the bad, and the same can be said about the movie as a whole.
  • One thing I though was really cool visually was the building of the barricade, which doesn’t come across onstage or in the book. The scene with furniture being thrown out of windows for the barricade was awesome.
  • “One Day More” was perfect, as was the end scene. The latter made me tear up, and probably will do so more upon subsequent viewings.
  • They barely left anything out! Unless I’m mistaken, the only song eliminated completely was “Dog Eat Dog.” Other songs were shortened, but nothing was left out. They also added “Suddenly,” which isn’t a particularly memorable song, but I think it worked well for an area of the plot that could have used a little something extra.
  • The sewer scene was a little too realistic. Ugh. Somehow the stage show and book managed to make me forget that sewers are, quite literally, full of shit.
  • “Lovely Ladies” is a song I don’t pay much attention to in the stage musical, but here it’s a much bigger number that illustrated the world of prostitution that Fantine is entering very well.
  • They changed the order of some songs, but in a way that I think works. “I Dreamed a Dream” is more effective when it’s sung when Fantine really is at her lowest point. “One Day More” before “Do You Hear the People Sing” works onscreen since there’s no first act that needs a big number at the end.
  • I like that there were a lot of things they added back into the movie that were in the book but not the musical—Marius’s grandfather, Fantine selling her teeth, Valjean escaping Javert by jumping into the ocean, Valjean and Cosette being helped out by Fauchelevent, Javert apologizing to Valjean prior to the “Who Am I?” scene. They were going to include a reference to Gavroche being Eponine’s brother, but settled for him shedding a tear over her death.
  • Speaking of Gavroche, Javert leaving his medal on Gavroche’s corpse was a surprising but nice touch. It showed a bit of a crack in Javert’s resolve before his suicide.
  • And speaking of Javert’s suicide, what was with that noise when he hit the water? Did they just want the audience to know that he was very dead, like Howard Graves?
  • As nice as it would have been to hear Anne Hathaway singing with Samantha Barks, I like that the ghost of the bishop rather than Eponine shows up at the end. The bishop changed Valjean’s life, and I don’t think he ever even met Eponine.

I saw it with my parents and sister, none of whom had ever seen the musical or read the book, and they all liked it, too. It was interesting seeing it with people who weren’t familiar with it. My mom spent a lot of time ruminating on the story’s themes, and while I’ve always thought “A Heart Full of Love” was a little cheesy, she really liked that scene (which does come off better onscreen than onstage). My dad was a big fan of “One Day More” and the Thenardiers.

God, I haven’t been this obsessed with a movie since Titanicfifteen years ago. (Holy shit, FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?) And I was thirteen years old then.

So who’s going to go see it with me when I go again?

Love Actually Is All Around

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I thought I was pretty desensitized to violence in the news, but all day I’ve been in tears about the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. Murder is always a tragedy, but when it’s twenty little kids- many of whom were probably excited about Santa visiting them in a week and a half- it’s even more heartbreaking. We were all in elementary school once. We all have little kids in our lives somewhere. We all have teachers we love, either when we were in school or friends and family members who teach. When a random shooting happens in places like a school, a movie theater, a mall, you can’t help but think of how easily you or someone in your life could have been a victim.

I’d already been planning on watching Love Actually tonight, since I usually watch it around Christmas.     The central message of the movie, that “love actually is all around,” is pretty comforting right now. At the beginning, they mention how, as far as we know, all of the phone calls placed from the World Trade Center after the planes hit it were messages of love- and although this is a movie that thinks Hugh Grant is a plausible prime minister, that’s actually a good point.

Then I saw this- Diane Sawyer’s interview with a first-grade teacher at the school, Kaitlin Roig, who saved her whole class by barricading them in a bathroom- and who, incidentally, is only a year older than me. And I started crying all over again.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX8V_ZWwgb4]
“I said to them, ‘I need you to know that I love you all very much and that it’s going to be okay,’ because I thought that was the last thing they were ever going to hear.”

Horrible acts of hate and violence will never stop happening in one way or another. When they do, I think the only way to keep from losing faith in humanity is remembering that acts of love are happening around us all the time- whether it’s something as small as listening to someone who needs to talk or something as heroic as wanting to make sure that if your six-year-old students die, the last thing they’ll hear will be words of love rather than gunshots. Those acts of love are more prevalent than acts of hatred and violence, even if we don’t hear about them, and we need to remember that.

And to remember this:

I need you to know that I love you all very much and that it’s going to be okay.

Playlist of the Moment: Office Holiday Party Mix

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My office holiday party was last Friday, on the Spirit of Boston. When I tell people that we have our party on a boat, they’re usually like, “In December?” but since it’s enclosed and heated, it’s actually a lot more fun than it sounds. The first couple of years we were in this building, we had the party in the office, and I greatly prefer the boat!

When we did have the party in the office one year, a coworker asked me to help get together some seasonal music to play. While I do have a Christmas playlist that’s grown to nearly 500 songs, putting together songs for a work party is harder than it sounds. You can’t have any songs that refer to Jesus- and while people on Fox News are bitching and moaning about the “war on Christmas,” they can at least take comfort in knowing that religious carols like “Joy to the World” and “O Holy Night” are so mainstream that plenty of popular artists record those songs. You can’t have any songs that might be inappropriate- there aren’t quite as many of those, but I left off Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song and Cartman’s “O Holy Night” from South Park and “Fairytale of New York.” You can’t have any choral music, which I love but which is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. And you can’t have anything too boring or uncool when a large percentage of your coworkers are, well, cooler than you. (You guys know about my highly questionable taste in music!)

So here’s what I came up with, and if you ever have to choose music for your own office holiday party, use this as an inspiration!

The Office Holiday Party Mix

1. Lisa Loeb – “Jingle Bells”

2. The Boston Pops – “Sleigh Ride”

3. Band Aid – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

4. Emma Beaton, Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis – “Auld Lang Syne”

5. Dar Williams – “The Christians And The Pagans”

6. Eels – “Christmas Is Going to the Dogs”

7. James Taylor – “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

8. Gene Autry – “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”

9. Sufjan Stevens – “Get Behind Me, Santa!”

10. Vince Vance And The Valiants – “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

11. Paul McCartney – “Wonderful Christmastime”

12. Sara Bareilles – “River”

13. The Orchestra of the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden – “The Nutcracker, Op. 71: No. 12 Divertissement: Dance of the flutes”

14. The Raveonettes – “The Christmas Song”

15. Sufjan Stevens – “Sister Winter”

16. Mariah Carey – “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

17. Harry Connick Jr. – “(It Must Have Been Ol’) Santa Claus”

18. Nat King Cole – “The Christmas Song”

19. Tim Reynolds and Dave Matthews – “Christmas Song”

20. Jose Feliciano – “Feliz Navidad”

21. Meaghan Smith – “It Snowed”

22. Sarah McLachlan featuring Diana Krall – “Christmas Time Is Here”

23. Bruce Springsteen – “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”

24. Sarah McLachlan – “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

25. John Lennon and Yoko Ono and The Plastic Ono Band with The Harlem Community Choir – “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”

26. Kristin Chenoweth – “The Christmas Waltz”

27. Barry Manilow – “Carol of the Bells / Jingle Bells”

28. Imogen Heap – “Just For Now”

29. Weezer – “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”

30. Burl Ives – “A Holly Jolly Christmas”

31. Leona Naess – “Christmas”

32. Sarah McLachlan – “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

33. Bobby Helms – “Jingle Bell Rock”

34. Judy Garland – “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

35. Diana Krall – “Jingle Bells”

36. Brad Callow – “Christmas Is All Around”

37. Ron Sexsmith – “Maybe This Christmas”

38. Brenda Lee – “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

39. Trans-Siberian Orchestra – “Christmas Eve/ Sarajevo”

40. Ottmar Liebert – “Deck the Halls”

41. Tony Bennett – “Winter Wonderland”

42. Ella Fitzgerald – “Sleigh Ride”

43. Sufjan Stevens – “Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)”

44. Johnny Mathis – “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

45. The Carpenters – “Merry Christmas Darling”

46. Vienna Teng – “The Atheist Christmas Carol”

47. Cast of Glee – “Last Christmas”

48. Mexicani Marimba Band – “Twelve Days of Christmas”

49. Jimmy Eat World – “Last Christmas”

50. Low – “Just Like Christmas”

51. The Long Winters – “Christmas With You Is The Best”

52. Sufjan Stevens – “Hey Guys! It’s Christmas Time!”

53. The Polyphonic Spree – “Happy Xmas – War Is Over”

54. Royal Crown Revue – “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

55. The Goo Goo Dolls – “Better Days”

 

The Last Les Mis Post I Write Before I See It. I Promise.

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Less than two weeks before the Les Miserables premiere (oh, and Christmas, too!) and I’m starting to get antsy. What if the direction isn’t as good as it could be? What if the actors can’t sing well? What if “Master of the House” isn’t staged in the best way? What if the parts that always move me when I listen to the soundtrack don’t move me like they should? What if it doesn’t win all the awards I’m hoping it will win?

Oh, the woes of a Les Mis fangirl. But even if the movie isn’t perfect, I have a feeling I’ll love it anyway. I already love the storyline and music so much that it would be hard not to. Plus, I’ve already seen the worst crime committed against Les Mis– Katie Holmes butchering “On My Own” on Dawson’s Creek.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpV8avjVtxo]

*shudder*

Other important final thoughts before it premieres:

-Let’s get this out of the way: it’s dramatic, it’s unsubtle, it’s emotional, it’s sincere, it’s sad. If any of those adjectives sound unappealing to you, don’t see it.

-If you already know that you don’t like musical theater, this probably won’t convert you. It’s also sung-through, like Evita and Rent. There’s virtually no dialogue, and I’ve heard that they didn’t add much in for the movie, so don’t see it if that bothers you, either.

-I’ve seen surprisingly little discussion of how relevant a lot of the storylines are to today’s world, although one review did note that the student revolt evokes both the Arab Spring and the Occupy movement. But there’s plenty of other relevant parallels in here, too- like Valjean, as an ex-convict, having trouble finding work and getting people to overlook his past. Today, that’s still the case for many ex-convicts. Or people like Javert clinging to rigid interpretations of rules that leave no room for flexibility- the way so many people do now when discussing illegal immigration or homosexuality or reproductive issues. Or Fantine losing her job for having a child out of wedlock, while men can sleep with whomever they choose and the foreman is free to sexually harass his employees with no consequences. With all of the double-standards in the news recently (see: Rush Limbaugh’s comments on Sandra Fluke), it’s not hard to bemoan how little some things have changed since the 1830s. WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THESE THINGS? We should be!

The funny thing, too, is that I’m currently re-reading the book (I recently learned that Les Mis fans refer to the unabridged book as “the brick,” since it’s about the size and shape of one) and Hugo clearly wrote it to criticize specific problems in French society at that time. It’s kind of sad how much those themes still resonate.

-Finally, I will share Nostalgia Chick’s thoughts, which I COMPLETELY agree with. Although she’s also a huge fan and goes into great detail about how awesome it is, she also good-naturedly mentions a couple of plot issues (i.e. the excessive use of coincidence, which is explained a little more convincingly in “the brick,” and how, although “Bring Him Home” is a beautiful song, the sentiment behind it kind of comes out of nowhere).

Seriously, even if you totally ignored the rest of this post, WATCH THIS VIDEO. Nostalgia Chick is both hilarious and completely right.