I feel like I’ve been reading a lot lately about women who are “childfree,” also known as “childless by choice.” It’s always presented as a progressive, feminist thing. In the past, people saw having kids as compulsory, even if they didn’t want kids or didn’t think they’d be a good parent. Historically, having kids has been seen as the main purpose of women’s lives. We have a long way to go, but it’s becoming more and more socially acceptable not to have or want kids.

And that’s great for those women.

Then there’s me.

I am not childfree. I am child-less.

I want kids more than anything in the world. Two kids, to be exact. As of right now, I cannot have them.

Not because I’m infertile. I’m not, as far as I know. In fact, I’ve had my hormones measured and they’re actually very good for someone my age (thirty-nine in July). I took out a loan when I was thirty-seven to have my eggs frozen and currently have thirteen ovum in a freezer somewhere.

I can’t have kids because I’m single.

This is a complete sentence. But people don’t seem to know what to do with me when I say it.

Most people, if a couple told them that they’re struggling with infertility, would know better than to say something like, “Well, why don’t you just adopt?” You likely cringed just reading that, thinking of how insensitive it is. I mean, how could someone say that? Adoption can be wonderful, but it’s expensive, complicated, and unpredictable and not at all the same thing as giving birth. No one “just” adopts.

So why don’t people have that same sensitivity towards women who are single and childless but NOT by choice?

Here are some of the things people feel have felt completely comfortable saying to me:

• “Are you going to have kids on your own?”
• “Do you think you’ll adopt?”
• “My friend/sister/coworker/acquaintance used a sperm donor/adopted kids on her own.”
• “Maybe you should volunteer with kids!”
• “Maybe you should get a job working with kids!”
• “Maybe you should just enjoy the kids of your friends and relatives! I mean, you get to return them at the end of the day, haha!”
• “You know, having kids isn’t like it looks on social media. Kids have tantrums and don’t sleep.”
• “Why are you so against being a single mom? You never know what’s going to happen. You might end up a single mom anyway!”
• “You should just do it on your own. Even if you’re married, you end up doing it all yourself anyway.”

*Deep Breath*

Okay. Point by point:

• I can’t afford to have kids on my own. Period, full stop. I live in a tiny studio apartment that’s barely big enough for me and is the ABSOLUTE LIMIT of what I can afford. Modern life is set up for dual-income couples. So I can’t afford a bigger apartment. I can’t afford day care. I can’t afford anything that would make life with a baby easier. For that matter, I can’t afford to adopt! Adoption is freaking expensive! I don’t know how much donor sperm costs, but I likely can’t afford that, either.
• Even if my financial circumstances were different, single mothers by choice need at least twice the amount of practical and emotional support that couples do. AT LEAST.
• There are a lot of parents who say they don’t like kids in general, but they love their own kids. Me, though? I LOVE kids, and always have. I greatly enjoy other people’s kids. But at the same time, being around kids makes me sad. Because they’re not my kids. BECAUSE I have to return them (not that I’m planning on kidnapping any, don’t read that the wrong way!). Other people’s kids are awesome. But they’re not mine.
• I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE THROW OUT THE “NOT LIKE IT LOOKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA” CARD. This is such an obnoxious cliche. Who, at this point, doesn’t know that people’s real lives are messier than what they put on socials? I know kids have tantrums! I know they don’t sleep! I WANT THE TANTRUMS! I WANT THE LACK OF SLEEP! Because you can’t get any of the good if you don’t put up with those moments! I’m never envious of people because of how their lives LOOK. I’m envious of the actual FACTS of their lives: if they have a generally happy marriage, if they have kids with no major health or behavioral issues, if they own a decent house. That’s what I envy. Not things that are perfect. Just things that exist.
• There is a huge, huge difference between deliberately choosing single motherhood versus becoming a single mother due to divorce or death. It means that your child or children only have one parent from day one. That’s very different from fully expecting to raise kids with a spouse and having plans change. It’s different from missing your kids’ other parent versus literally never having anything to miss. There’s no “other side” of the kids’ family, because “the other side” doesn’t exist. It’s not the same thing as being a divorced or widowed parent at all, and people shouldn’t act like it is.
• Also, if you’re married and feel like you’re doing all the parenting on your own, have a serious talk with your spouse. If that doesn’t work, your spouse just sucks. And for the love of God, don’t act like this is something all husbands do. Give them more credit than that.

The apps are barrent wastelands. Meeting a guy feels as likely right now as winning Powerball. But until I do? I CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN.

Mother’s Day is hard for me. There are plenty of women out there who desperately want kids but don’t have them. For many, it’s because of infertility, and I feel for all of them.

But don’t forget about the rest of us. Being childless because you’re single doesn’t mean that you don’t want kids enough to be willing to try to go it alone.

It just means that you can’t have kids because you’re single. Period, end of sentence.