Yes, Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and the “single” part of “Struggling Single Twenty-Something” is still valid.
This year I went to a bar with some coworkers who also didn’t have plans, and it was fun. We had some drinks, talked, and came up with reasons why we like being single and why we don’t like being in a relationship.
Except I had to guess on the last one, because I wouldn’t know.
It’s kind of embarrassing to admit it, but I’ve never had a boyfriend. I read a short story by Curtis Sittenfeld where the main character wonders “how people made the leap from not mattering in each other’s lives to mattering,” and that articulates a thought I’ve had much better than I could. (Incidentally, the main character in that story was a slightly crazy twenty-three-year-old who volunteers through a program that sounds really similar to the one I volunteer with, so that disturbed me a bit.) I hope a time comes when I feel differently, but right now I’m not feeling too good about the odds that I’ll ever a.) have a guy in my life who’ll become my best friend, b.) fall in love with him, c.) have him feel the same way, and d.) not have any factors (like distance, timing, etc.) get in the way.
Maybe I’m overly picky, but I don’t think that’s the point. I guess it’s that I don’t understand having a relationship if you know it’s going to end. You’re either going to spend the rest of your lives together or you’re going to break up, and if you’re going to break up…you’re wasting your time and possibly missing out on meeting someone better.
Of course, I could be overreacting, and a relationship that doesn’t last might be good for me after all. But I’m also thinking about something a friend said to me recently. When I told her that I’d never had a boyfriend, she said, “But you must have a really good sense of self.”
And that made me pause. That wasn’t the reaction I expected, but I kind of think she’s right. I am not the most confident person in the world, but “sense of self” isn’t an issue with me. Christina and I were talking tonight about how sometimes that’s the most important thing for getting you through hard times. Having someone else to depend on is great…but first you have to be able to depend on yourself. (Oh, yes, and I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside, you know?) And if you go from relationship to relationship without taking the time to be single, or even if you’re single but constantly thinking about how you want not to be, I think it’s pretty easy to lose yourself.
If I was going to write a song to describe my life right now, it wouldn’t be a love song. It would be more like that Jessica Andrews song, “Who I Am.” (You know, “I am Rosemary’s granddaughter/The spitting image of my father/And when the day is done my mama’s still my biggest fan.”) Too bad I can’t write songs. But if you want a concise description of my life, read my “About Me.” For a longer version…well, keep reading.
I’m no expert, but I think that being picky is a) good b/c you don’t end up with some jerk who makes you feel even worse in a relationship than you do single b) rewarding b/c you’ll make better choices than your non-picky friends, and c) the way to be!! I’m pretty picky too, much to the chagrin of my parents, who think I should be married and well into motherhood by now. Gak! I posted a rambling commentary to this article in the Atlantic about “Settling” the other day, if you get a chance, check the article out. It’s linked on my page, I think you’ll get a kick out of it!
I’m no expert, but I think that being picky is a) good b/c you don’t end up with some jerk who makes you feel even worse in a relationship than you do single b) rewarding b/c you’ll make better choices than your non-picky friends, and c) the way to be!! I’m pretty picky too, much to the chagrin of my parents, who think I should be married and well into motherhood by now. Gak! I posted a rambling commentary to this article in the Atlantic about “Settling” the other day, if you get a chance, check the article out. It’s linked on my page, I think you’ll get a kick out of it!
It’s true that most relationships end- in fact, only one will end up working out for any of us. But the relationships we have (romantic or otherwise) always end up teaching us something about ourselves and what we want in another person, so it’s not always a waste of time. Although breakups sure are a bitch.Sorry if that came out cheesier than I meant- I just found came across your blog and I like your writing!
It’s true that most relationships end- in fact, only one will end up working out for any of us. But the relationships we have (romantic or otherwise) always end up teaching us something about ourselves and what we want in another person, so it’s not always a waste of time. Although breakups sure are a bitch.Sorry if that came out cheesier than I meant- I just found came across your blog and I like your writing!
I recently listened to a podcast in which the guy said something about how the vast majority of people these days don’t find someone that they would even consider marrying until their early thirties. I think by then, people are more assertive in who they are, are more comfortable, have established themselves in a career or life path, and don’t feel the post-adolescent angst of the twenties. Sometimes it’s good to date someone it’s not going to work with in order to find out what you like and don’t like. On the other hand, I’ve never dated someone that I didn’t, at the time, think I could never end up with. Anyways, you rock, so don’t worry too much about relationship-status stuff. People get really wrapped up in it, and it’s not what’s really important.
I recently listened to a podcast in which the guy said something about how the vast majority of people these days don’t find someone that they would even consider marrying until their early thirties. I think by then, people are more assertive in who they are, are more comfortable, have established themselves in a career or life path, and don’t feel the post-adolescent angst of the twenties. Sometimes it’s good to date someone it’s not going to work with in order to find out what you like and don’t like. On the other hand, I’ve never dated someone that I didn’t, at the time, think I could never end up with. Anyways, you rock, so don’t worry too much about relationship-status stuff. People get really wrapped up in it, and it’s not what’s really important.
I am 22 going on 23 and, like you, have never been in a relationship. It’s only been within the last year or so that it’s really bothered me, but I can’t help but ask myself why. The sense-of-self thing is all I can come up with. What if I’m so self confident that I can’t rely on a man enough to make him want to be in a relationship with me? Being self reliant doesn’t mean that I want to be alone.Rambling now. Anyway, just thought I’d assure you that you’re not the only one.
I am 22 going on 23 and, like you, have never been in a relationship. It’s only been within the last year or so that it’s really bothered me, but I can’t help but ask myself why. The sense-of-self thing is all I can come up with. What if I’m so self confident that I can’t rely on a man enough to make him want to be in a relationship with me? Being self reliant doesn’t mean that I want to be alone.Rambling now. Anyway, just thought I’d assure you that you’re not the only one.
You sound like a sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful person. I came across this post because I too lack boyfriend experience (past or present). While it’s frustrating to see all my friends happily paired off (we’re in our mid-twenties), it’s not like I’d want to be with one of the guys these friends are actually dating/marrying. I have different standards — I’d say “higher” standards, but that sounds kind of snobby, and I suppose we all have different criteria in the mating game — and I’m not the type to date someone I don’t completely love and admire. Here’s to holding out, to keeping your eyes and ears open, and to getting to know people before jumping into a relationship for the sake of having a “significant other.” Better to wait than to sell yourself short or to miss out on the best fit by dating someone incompatible rather than be alone.Note: Part of my problem can be explained by a longtime attraction to older, ineligible (often already married) men. I’m sure you have a similar obstacle…. Maybe adjusting your focus to more realistic potential BFs would be a good start. Cheers.
You sound like a sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful person. I came across this post because I too lack boyfriend experience (past or present). While it’s frustrating to see all my friends happily paired off (we’re in our mid-twenties), it’s not like I’d want to be with one of the guys these friends are actually dating/marrying. I have different standards — I’d say “higher” standards, but that sounds kind of snobby, and I suppose we all have different criteria in the mating game — and I’m not the type to date someone I don’t completely love and admire. Here’s to holding out, to keeping your eyes and ears open, and to getting to know people before jumping into a relationship for the sake of having a “significant other.” Better to wait than to sell yourself short or to miss out on the best fit by dating someone incompatible rather than be alone.Note: Part of my problem can be explained by a longtime attraction to older, ineligible (often already married) men. I’m sure you have a similar obstacle…. Maybe adjusting your focus to more realistic potential BFs would be a good start. Cheers.