I am about to admit an extremely disturbing fact about myself. In this day and age, there are plenty of things to get pissed off about. But the strongest amount of anger I’ve ever felt wasn’t over Darfur or global warming or the war or homelessness or world hunger or cancer or human rights violations. So what was it that caused me to writhe and seethe in the most frightening rage I’ve ever felt?

My computer.

Depending on my mood, “stupid,” “fucking,” or “piece of crap” can sometimes follow “my.”

Here’s my story. Yesterday, I came home, and my roommate Christina, who has a job interview next week, asked me if I’d take a look at her cover letter and resume. I said yes (and, on a side note, said “covah letta” without even thinking about it, thus proving that I can still drop r’s like the best Bostonians) and headed to the computer. Here’s what ensued.

First of all, I should note that on Christmas Eve 2005, I got a computer virus and my hard drive had to be wiped clean. Luckily, I had most of my stuff backed up, but my computer has had all kinds of quirks since then. Among them are its inability to use screensavers, so when I return to my computer after a long absence, there are three possibilities. I might simply have to press any key to return to what I was doing. I might have to hit the on button and then long back in. Or I might have to restart completely. On any given day, it might be any one of those options.

Yesterday it was option b, hitting the on button and logging back in. After that, however, I had to take out and re-insert my wireless card several times before I could connect to the Internet. When I finally did, I logged into gmail. I clicked on Christina’s attachment.

And I waited. And I waited. And w a i t e d . . .

The thing is four and a half years old, and it shows its age by having moments of ridiculous, incredible slowness. This was its worse one yet. After twenty minutes of not being able to open the attachment, I shut down the computer.

And then, of course, I had to wait about ten minutes, as always, for the computer to boot up and connect to the Internet. After clicking on Firefox, I had to wait for that to load. And once I got into gmail and clicked the attachment again…it was s t i l l s l o w.

By the time I finally got the attachment open, it had been about an hour. Yes, you read that right. It took me an entire hour to open one fucking attachment!

I first got this damn thing I’m typing on now in August of 2002, right before I started college. I was thrilled—it was the first time I’d owned my own computer. And for awhile, I was quite fond of it. I made my first mix CD on it. I typed my thesis on it. I wrote the few pieces of my writing that have been published on it. We had a lot of good times, this piece of crap and I.

But screw nostalgia. I can only take so much abuse. I can’t let this thing be like the boyfriend who calls you fat and won’t return your calls and, when you try to call him on it, reminds you of all the great things he’s done for you in the past and then has a couple of good days to try and make you forget.

But I WILL NOT FORGET! Computer, our days are over. I am breaking up with you. I am moving on and becoming a stronger person for it. You’re just getting shoved in the back of my closet.

Seriously, the amount of anger I sometimes have towards this thing is truly frightening. So I’m going to get a new one sooner rather than later. I don’t care if I go broke over it. Saving money is not worth my sanity.

Sure, this might read like an overreaction. But you know what? You wait until it takes you a FUCKING HOUR to open an attachment, and then tell me if you’re thinking about world hunger.