A year ago, I blogged about how I moved past hating Valentine’s Day. At this point, I actually kind of like it because it gives me an excuse to spoil myself—and as an introvert, I have always enjoyed the pleasure of my own company, so I take whatever excuses I can. But as I’m another year older and single for another year, I have to admit that I’m reflecting on some things.
Now, before I say anything more, I want to note that this is not a woe-is-me-I’m-single post. It’s not an OMG-my-significant-other-RAWKS! post, either. (By the way, those two things are equally annoying, so basically, everyone should just shut up about their relationship statuses.) But it is a musing on getting older and how I find myself looking at the future differently in my late twenties than I did in my early twenties.
You notice my bucket list here? Lots of fun stuff on it—skydiving, mountain climbing, and some stuff that isn’t in a Tim McGraw song, like owning a boat, recording a song, and being a bestselling author. I also have my list of travel goals that I hope to make some progress on over the next couple of years.
But the truth is, I would give up every other item on both of those lists if it meant that I could have only these three:
- Fall in love with an awesome guy who loves me back, have a wonderful wedding, and stay happily married for the rest of our lives
- Have at least two kids
- Own a house in the Boston suburbs
That’s it. Those are the things I want the most out of life. They are not extraordinary things. They’re things that millions of people manage to do without much trouble. And yet, for me, they might be the hardest items on my bucket list to accomplish. Let’s take a look at them.
Not only have I never been in a relationship, I have never been in love. So my heart has never been broken, but I also do not know what romantic love feels like. And as easy as it is to get cynical and think that real love doesn’t exist or that all relationships will end, I know that’s not true. I know people who are really, truly in love and will be together for the rest of their lives. And I always think of my paternal grandparents, who lived through the Great Depression and World War II and who were happily married for sixty-six years until my grandfather’s death. Real love happens, but it has never happened to me, and more than anything, I want to find someone with whom to spend every day for the rest of my life.
I also want at least two kids. The challenge here is accomplishing the part before that, love and marriage, in time to make that happen. It’s very hard to get pregnant without fertility treatments after age thirty-five or so. If I met a guy tomorrow, I’d have to date him for at least two years before I’d consider getting engaged. Then we’d be engaged for about another year and have at least a year or two of being married and childless before having our first kid, which would make me a first-time mother at about age thirty-two. Which is fine, but remember, this would be the absolute earliest. I’d consider adoption in the future as well, but even if I were to adopt, I wouldn’t want to be too old when becoming a parent.
The side effect of wanting kids so badly is that it has made me pickier about whom I’m attracted to. When I look at dating sites, I end up thinking things like, “Is his career stable? Does he seem mature enough to be a good father? Does he value the same kinds of things that I do?” I just feel like I can’t waste time with someone if I can’t see a long-term future with him.
The other reason I want to find someone who is mature and financially stable is because of the third thing I want: owning a house in the Boston suburbs. Specifically, a house that is on enough land to be more private than living in the city and has at least three bedrooms and a backyard. And a house that is located in a Boston suburb that is on the commuter rail and has a good school system. And, the hardest part, a house that my hypothetical future husband and I can afford.
Now, I am pretty good at saving money. Despite paying a lot in rent and earning the first word of my blog title by working in a not-so-lucrative industry, I have managed to save a decent amount. And one of the reasons I was so excited to become a sales rep was because if I make my number, I get a much bigger bonus than I used to get. But even so, the Boston suburbs are ridiculously expensive, even if you’re just looking for a modest three-bedroom house, and it will take me a long time to save enough money for a down payment. What if I can’t meet a guy who can afford to help me buy a house?
What do you guys think? Have you found your priorities changing as you get older? What do you want the most out of life, and do you worry about how you may never achieve it?
I know what you mean about having so many things on your list of what you want for your life, but really only wanting a few overall.
I'm in a little bit of an opposite end of the spectrum, which almost makes me feel strangely guilty for commenting…
I do have the marriage (not the one you described, but a marriage), I have the two kids (well, one's still in my belly, but should be out in August). I have a house in a nice area with a good school system.
And in some way, these are things I always wanted (well, the family thing specifically), but for me, it's not enough. Maybe because it's there are missing pieces, or maybe because we all need something else beyond even those beautiful things. I don't know.
I guess I wanted to comment to say that I'm finding that even though my path looks much different than I imagined, I think I will get to the place I long to be, in time. I don't know what time, but some time.
So, I hope the same for you. Even if you tweak the dream a little. I think it can still be just a sweet, or maybe sweeter. Maybe that's why we don't get it all early on – how could we ever really appreciate it? And what would we do for the rest of our lives?
I know what you mean about having so many things on your list of what you want for your life, but really only wanting a few overall.
I'm in a little bit of an opposite end of the spectrum, which almost makes me feel strangely guilty for commenting…
I do have the marriage (not the one you described, but a marriage), I have the two kids (well, one's still in my belly, but should be out in August). I have a house in a nice area with a good school system.
And in some way, these are things I always wanted (well, the family thing specifically), but for me, it's not enough. Maybe because it's there are missing pieces, or maybe because we all need something else beyond even those beautiful things. I don't know.
I guess I wanted to comment to say that I'm finding that even though my path looks much different than I imagined, I think I will get to the place I long to be, in time. I don't know what time, but some time.
So, I hope the same for you. Even if you tweak the dream a little. I think it can still be just a sweet, or maybe sweeter. Maybe that's why we don't get it all early on – how could we ever really appreciate it? And what would we do for the rest of our lives?
I don't think my priorities have changed that much now that I'm in my (very) late 20s. I still want a fulfilling and rewarding career, and it would be nice to own a house/apartment/whatever at some point. Other than that, I'm not that fussed. I've never wanted kids, and if I end up single for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that.
One of my friends is in a similar boat to you with what she wants in life, and life has recently thrown her a couple of major curveballs to the point where she's kind of freaking out that her plans won't work out the way she wants them to. So I guess what I'm trying to say is “don't get so bogged down in your hypothetical vision of the future that you forget to enjoy life in the meantime!”
I don't think my priorities have changed that much now that I'm in my (very) late 20s. I still want a fulfilling and rewarding career, and it would be nice to own a house/apartment/whatever at some point. Other than that, I'm not that fussed. I've never wanted kids, and if I end up single for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that.
One of my friends is in a similar boat to you with what she wants in life, and life has recently thrown her a couple of major curveballs to the point where she's kind of freaking out that her plans won't work out the way she wants them to. So I guess what I'm trying to say is “don't get so bogged down in your hypothetical vision of the future that you forget to enjoy life in the meantime!”
Sometimes I feel like people look down on you when you say, “I want to get married and have kids.” It's one of those life goals that either you understand, or you don't, I suppose. I think it's hard for people who have never wanted these things to understand people who do and vice versa.
That said, I want to get married and have kids and those goals are definitely at the top of my list but also the things I have the least control over. I can't MAKE myself meet anyone, y'know?
THAT said, good on you for writing this and being so honest.
Lor
Sometimes I feel like people look down on you when you say, “I want to get married and have kids.” It's one of those life goals that either you understand, or you don't, I suppose. I think it's hard for people who have never wanted these things to understand people who do and vice versa.
That said, I want to get married and have kids and those goals are definitely at the top of my list but also the things I have the least control over. I can't MAKE myself meet anyone, y'know?
THAT said, good on you for writing this and being so honest.
Lor
@ Lorraine- I know what you mean. I do have career goals as well (I actually really like my job and intend to remain in the same industry), but I don't think those will bring me the same kind of joy I would get from having my own family.
@ Lorraine- I know what you mean. I do have career goals as well (I actually really like my job and intend to remain in the same industry), but I don't think those will bring me the same kind of joy I would get from having my own family.
Some of this sounds like you are actually in my head Katie! great writing and brave of you to be so honest; some of those things you've said I haven't even said to my best friends (although I know I should) x
Some of this sounds like you are actually in my head Katie! great writing and brave of you to be so honest; some of those things you've said I haven't even said to my best friends (although I know I should) x
Good on you for being straight up about what you want, Kid. I think you'll end up finding someone and having all those things. I can't see you being anything but a soccer mom involved in the publishing industry. It just screams “youness”. It'll happen. Have faith.
I don't really think my goals have changed. Teach, write, travel and take photos, have someone to share all that with, and if we're meant to have kids, either have them myself or adopt. I think it's really more my priorities that have changed. My priority now is balance. Balance between my work (as you know, I'm a workaholic), my friends, my family, and myself. I've even added sleep and relaxation time to my priorities to balance list. Enough balance to be able to do the things I want without burning out essentially. So, more like I'm not trying to do everything at the same time, but learning to let some things go so I have time to make my ultimate goals a priority.